


Clown Balloons & Sasha's Milk

by acaciapines



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Humor, Multi, fanfic of a fanfic, jmts centered
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:42:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26445802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acaciapines/pseuds/acaciapines
Summary: TS: first the milk now thisTS: is this bully tim stoker day?MK: it is nowTS: im buying CLOWN BALLOONS and SASHAS MILK have some sympathyGeorgie: what ifGeorgie: clown milkMK: GODDAMNIT GEORGIE(or: a fanfic of cbggg, because that's just where i am right now)
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Sasha James/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist/Tim Stoker
Comments: 65
Kudos: 227





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [claimed by gods(?) gang gang](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24393751) by [EyeMug](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EyeMug/pseuds/EyeMug). 



> this will make no sense if you haven't read cbggg so uh go check that out first. this fic is canon-compliant with cbggg and not anywhere near canon-compliant for tma. enjoy!

**oh my god they were roommates**

**sasha:** Who In This Bastard Polycule Is Getting The Fucking Milk

**tim:** babe look

 **tim:** its not my FAULT that i blanked on the milk

 **tim:** ok so maybe when i went shopping the list did say ‘milk’ about eight times but i got jons weirdass energy drinks and that wasnt even on the list cut me some slack

**sasha:** I had cereal with orange juice today timothy.

**tim:** haha whoops

 **tim:** but uh

 **tim:** no othy

**sasha:** tim I had oj cereal don’t you fucking test me if you were in this home I would end your fucking life

**tim:** …ok

**sasha:** GET MY FUCKING MILK

**tim:** im tryyyying babe look its hard ok!!! you know how bad traffic is??? really bad!! the bus hasnt moved for ten minutes!!! and i have to get the fucking balloons for dannys clown party

**jon:** Hi, clown party?

**tim:** idk i think nik is gonna be there

**jon:** Oh.

 **jon:** Makes sense.

**sasha:** if you don’t come back with the fuckign milk I swear to god

**tim:** not even gonna defend me are you jonny boy

 **tim:** i see how it is.

 **tim:** martin? my favorite boyfriend?

**martin:** IM NOT A FUCKING MOTHFUCKER ANNABELLE

 **martin:** JUST BECAUSE I SAID THEY’RE CUTE DOESN’T MEAN I WANT TO FUCK IT OH MY GOD

 **martin:** THINGS CAN BE JUST CUTE AND THAT’S IT

**tim:** ,,,,,,,,,martin what

**martin:** oops wrong chat

**tim:** YOU HAVE TO STOP DOING THIS YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH THE RIGHT CHAT SCARES ME

**martin:** **💛**

**tim:** my girlfriend wants to kill me my boyfriend wont defend me my other boyfriend fucks moths cant get anything in this polycule

**sasha:** yeah I can’t get my FUCKING MILK

**tim:** DO YOU WANT ME TO RUN TO THE SHOP??? HUH?? DO YOU WANT ME TO??

**sasha:** YES

**tim:** I WILL!!! I FUCKING WILL!!!

**sasha:** RUN BITCHBOY

**tim:** IF I GET HIT BY A CAR THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT

 **tim:** IM LEAVING EVERYTHING TO JON

 **tim:** HE DOESNT HATE ME OR FUCK MOTHS

**martin:** i said they were CUTE!!! this is slander!!!

**jon:** …hey Sasha, you’re home, right?

**sasha:** yeah why

 **sasha:** if you got locked in the bathroom again just yell

**tim:** wait jon got locked in the bathroom why did nobody ever tell me this

**jon:** I just found the milk.

**sasha:** you what

**tim:** nobody? were just passing by ‘locked in the bathroom’ like nothing happened?

**jon:** The milk.

 **jon:** I had to use it for something yesterday. I thought it was weird we were out, so I checked and turns out I left in in the pantry.

**tim:** apparently we are

**sasha:** ……

**jon:** Whoops?

**sasha:** jonathan sims I'm going to fucking end you

**tim:** i KNEW you were wrong to yell at me!!

**sasha:** no 💖 pantry milk is just as bad as oj 💖 this is my flat now show up with no milk and I’m taking your keys

**tim:** what if i help you kill jon?

**sasha:** …maybe

**tim:** love u too babe

**sasha:** 💖

* * *

**🤡🕸️🤡🕸️** **CLOWN GANG IS A STUPID NAME _TIM_ bc web town is any better _martin_ WE ALL VOTED YES IT FUCKING IS we should name it c̶̼̐̐͛̐̏́͂̾̾͌̑͗̉͘l̸̛̬͍̳͚̥͉̻̲̫̣̥͐̒͛̆̋͗̌̓͊̓̔̒̑̿̉͠ͅo̴͖̩͕̯̳̻̤̭͈̗̤̎̑̇b̶͈̜͖̎̈́̾ ̴̢̛̮̼͙̲̻̥̮̦͇̦̗̟͇͔͓̃͋̈́̏̈́̓̑̿̈͋̿̽͗̚̚g̴̡̮͙̟̲̘̫̘̞̙̀̆̓̿̿͝͠͠͝ą̴̢̞̠̮̠͙̲̥̼̤̠̰̣̳̰̒̓̆̌̇̋w̵̨̡͔̘͎̟̦͂͋͊̐̏͘n̴̢͓͈͈͙̘͓̜̣̼̬̫̖̪̒͂̓͝  :^] (the next person to change the chat name is getting banned we voted and that’s it – basira)** **🤡🕸️🤡🕸️**

**Jonny:** Nik you simply have to stop breaking into my flat. It was fine when I lived alone but it’s less fun when I have THREE OTHER PEOPLE LIVING WITH ME.

**Nikki:** Well Fuck, Jonathan! Your Boyfriends Will Simply Have To Learn To Appreciate Me!

**SJ:** hey

**Nikki:** You Already Appreciate Me, Sasha! You Share Your Soup With Me! Your Boyfriends Do Not!

**TS:** look i had ONE SERVING im SORRY

**Nikki:** You Had An Entire Bowl! A Large Bowl, Even. And It Was A Supplement To Your Meal! There Was Enough For Me.

**TS:** first the milk now this

 **TS:** is this bully tim stoker day?

**MK:** it is now

**TS:** im buying CLOWN BALLOONS and SASHAS MILK have some sympathy

**MK:** wow i hate both of those

**Georgie:** what if

 **Georgie:** melanie look away

**MK:** what are you going to do

**Georgie:** clown milk

**MK:** GODDAMNIT GEORGIE

**Jonny:** Would you get clown milk from milking a clown?

**Georgie:** yeah

**Nikki:** Oh! I Hate That!

 **Nikki:** This Is Slander On The Good Name Of Clowns!

**MK:** do clowns have a

**Nikki:** Yes, Melanie King? What Do You Wish To Say About Clowns?

**MK:** nevermind

**Nikki:** That’s What I Thought!

**Jonny:** Hmm.

 **Jonny:** Part of me wants to ask where the milk comes from. Part of me knows the answer and doesn’t want to think about it.

**SJ:** this is so fucking awful

**SJ:**

**SJ:**

**MB:** sasha are you okay?

**MK:** yeah you’re just staring at your phone

 **MK:** i mean i get it clown milk will haunt me forever but

**SJ:** no I was going to call on one of my other boyfriends like “haha jon’s saying some cursed shit I need a non-cursed boyfriend” but then I remembered martin fucks moths and tim made me eat oj cereal and I

 **SJ:** huh

**MB:** I DO NOT FUCK MOTHS

**AC:** yes you do

**MB:** Yes, I do.

 **MB:** FUCK OFF ANNABELLE

 **MB:** THERE ARE!! SHADES!!! BETWEEN!!! FINDING SOMETHING CUTE AND WANTING TO FUCK IT AHHHHHHHH

**AC:** keep saying that ::::)

 **AC:** doesn’t make it true ;;;;)

**MB:** i hate you so much

**TS:** im so glad im not in the archives holy shit

**MK:** shut up milkboy

* * *

**hot boy summer**

**tim:** if i get monster milk how mad do you think sasha will be

**martin:** tim…why

 **martin:** i thought we let this die…that was three days ago…

**tim:** but

 **tim:** its RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME

 **tim:** my hands are shaking theyre like magnetically attracted to this fucking jar im using all my willpower not to grab eight of them

**martin:** tim dear. i love you so much but if you bring monster milk into our home i think i'm breaking up with you on the spot

**tim:** fair fair fair but consider the siren song of monster milk

 **tim:** theyre on sale…if i buy five of these its less expensive than buying three gallons of normal milk…

**martin:** we have elias’s credit card tim

**tim:** monster milk…

**Jon** sent a video!

[Half the screen is dark like those action movies where you never know what is happening. But Sasha is the center figure of this video, and she’s pacing around the archives while balling up statements and throwing them into the trash

Jon: Hey, love, Tim’s going to buy monster milk.

Sasha turns around and her eyes are glinting like an animal at night. Full on eyeshine. There’s definitely some extra floating eyes there.

Sasha: Jon I forgive you for putting the milk in the pantry because TIM WAS THE TRUE ENEMY ALL ALONG. If one jar ends up in our flat I am BREAKING UP WITH HIM I have had it up to HERE I can’t deal with this oh my god Jon why did you let me date him. Why didn’t you warn me. Why did I do this to myself. Fucking monster milk….

She trails off, still muttering about how much she both loves and hates Tim, and how much she just wanted milk in her cereal and is that too much to ask for? Is The Eye enjoying this? Is this what her life has led to? Is this it? Is this the end?]

 **jon:** Don’t make any rash decisions.

**martin:** tim…

**tim:** i

 **tim:** its STARING AT ME guys i cant tear my gaze away i think. i think

**martin:** TIM……

**tim:** I CANT DO IT im sorry guys see you in hell tell danny I tried to get his clown balloons and if i don’t make it to his party he’s still my favorite brother. jon im leaving you everything except my wii u give that to danny

**jon:** Since when do you have a Wii U?

**tim:** martin im leaving you my moth patterned tshirt it was going to be a birthday present but fuck it

 **tim:** tell sasha i love her

**jon:** No, seriously, when did you get a Wii U? Tim, how did I not know about this Wii U? I’m a fucking avatar of the Eye and it didn’t give me this? Has there been a Wii goddamn U in our house? Have I been living with a Wii U for three months?

**martin:** TIM

**tim:** oh god im vibrating

 **tim:** i can feel the fucking molecules in the air theyre all hyper charged

**jon:** YOU’VE LOGGED 847.3 HOURS INTO SPLATOON????

**tim:** ok monster milk is in the cart

 **tim:** i have five jars of it

**martin:** tim.

 **martin:** tim why have you done this

**Jon** sent a video!

[It’s a top-down view of Sasha, mostly consisting of her hair. The phone is shaking slightly: it’s obvious that Sasha is cuddling with Jon on the archives couch, and he’s trying to record her when he only has access to about half an arm. She’s crying and talking into his shoulder.

Sasha: I can’t have monster milk cereal Jon. I can’t do that I think it would break me. Jon tell Tim he’s killing me. He’s killing his girlfriend. How could he do this to me. I trusted him and he won’t even buy me milk.]

**tim:** OK I CANT HANDLE THIS

 **tim:** TELL SASHA I LOVE HER AND ILL GET HER MILK

 **tim:** ILL LEAVE THE MONSTER MILK WITH DANNY HELL APPRECIATE IT

**jon:** Tell her yourself.

* * *

**oh my god they were roommates**

**tim:** sasha

 **tim:** my lovely darling girlfriend sasha

**sasha:** tim no othy stoker if you buy the fucking monster milk I am going to snap

**tim:** i will buy you your milk

 **tim:** i will leave the monster milk with danny

 **tim:** but let the record show i tried to fight it. the monster milk tempted me sash. it tempted me

**sasha:**!!!!

**tim:** 😘😘😘 no more oj cereal for u

**sasha:**!!!!!!!!!!!!

**tim:** now to get some clown balloons

 **tim:** love u babe

**sasha:** 💖

* * *

**🤡🕸️🤡🕸️** **CLOWN GANG IS A STUPID NAME _TIM_ bc web town is any better _martin_ WE ALL VOTED YES IT FUCKING IS we should name it c̶̼̐̐͛̐̏́͂̾̾͌̑͗̉͘l̸̛̬͍̳͚̥͉̻̲̫̣̥͐̒͛̆̋͗̌̓͊̓̔̒̑̿̉͠ͅo̴͖̩͕̯̳̻̤̭͈̗̤̎̑̇b̶͈̜͖̎̈́̾ ̴̢̛̮̼͙̲̻̥̮̦͇̦̗̟͇͔͓̃͋̈́̏̈́̓̑̿̈͋̿̽͗̚̚g̴̡̮͙̟̲̘̫̘̞̙̀̆̓̿̿͝͠͠͝ą̴̢̞̠̮̠͙̲̥̼̤̠̰̣̳̰̒̓̆̌̇̋w̵̨̡͔̘͎̟̦͂͋͊̐̏͘n̴̢͓͈͈͙̘͓̜̣̼̬̫̖̪̒͂̓͝  :^] (the next person to change the chat name is getting banned we voted and that’s it – basira)** **🤡🕸️🤡🕸️**

**MK:** so there i was. hungry in the archives. and i decide okay, you know what? let’s go get a snack!

 **MK:** i walk to the break room. on my way there i pass sasha. she's crying about tim into jon. okay. i don’t really care about the latest polychives drama so i keep waking.

 **MK:** i pass martin. he's setting statements on fire. i don’t ask but he tells me its for stress relief. okay. whatever.

 **MK:** i get to the break room and basira is drinking coffee straight from the pot. i wasn’t aware we had a coffee pot or coffee but whatever, she probably brought her own.

 **MK:** i go to the snacks cupboard. this is the only thing i have been looking forwards too all day. i open it.

 **MK** sent a photo!

[A huge jar on the counter of the archive’s breakroom. It’s easily the size of a toddler. It’s also empty, though it’s obvious that it once contained Flaming Hot Cheeto Puffs™ due to the red dust that still sticks to the sides.]

 **MK:** WHO ATE ALL THE CHEETO SNACKS

**MB:** did you check the ones by

**MK:** of COURSE i checked the ones at the starbucks jon shine there were GONE someone came and ate all our cheetos and i am so done with all of you. who fucking did it.

**Jonny:** Two questions. One, why is the Starbucks Jon shrine still there, I haven’t worked at Starbucks for months. Two, why did it have Flaming Hot Cheetos?

**MK:** bc literally your entire polycule works here _jonathan_ they wont let me take it down

 **MK:** and two bc whom doesn’t like flaming hot cheeto puffs

**Jonny:** I’m not that fond of them.

**MK:** oh you bastard

**Jonny:** They’re okay! I don’t like normal Cheetos either! The flaming hot ones are…look is the artificial cheese on normal Cheetos bad? Yes. Does that make the flaming hot dust any better? NO.

**SJ:** oh my god jon doesn’t like flaming hot cheetos

 **SJ:** tim. martin. i think we need to have a serious meeting

**Jonny:** Sasha James I was there when you threw out our half empty bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos.

**SJ:** JON I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THAT TO THE GRAVE

**TS:** SASHA

 **TS:** WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

**SJ:** they had gone bad!!!!

**MB:** you mean when i woke up at three am two nights ago it was your fault i couldn’t find the cheetos?? its your fault i had to eat fucking ruffles????

**SJ:** why would you

**MK:** POLYCHIVES STOP

 **MK:** ive said it before I do not care about your drama. i want to know WHO ATE ALL THE FLAMING HOT CHEETOS. WHICH OF YOU MONSTERS ATE THEM.

 **MK:** since they aren’t in the trash I can rule out jon and sasha _but the rest of you are on thin fucking ice_

**Ollie:** rule me out i don’t even work there

 **Ollie:** nik too. not that she wouldn’t take them but she mooches off mine and graham’s stash.

**MK:** tim. martin. basira. daisy. give your excuses. and don’t flip me off basira you aren’t getting out of this without a fucking air tight alibi.

**Daisy:** this is too stupid for me to care about

**TS:** im literally shopping

**MK:** like that would stop you

 **MK:** you’re both off the hook but im side eyeing you

**MB:** i had some yesterday, but the jar was half full when I left

 **MB:** you were around. you went into the breakroom after me and I left the jar out and it was half full.

**MK:** maybe so.

 **MK:** doesn’t mean you didn’t break in

**MB:** i

 **MB:** you know what fuck this. i have three people who can vouch for me how’s that for an air tight alibi

**TS:** can confirm martin was winning competitive cuddling last night no breaking in happened

**Georgie:** mel i have flaming hot cheetos at my flat

**MK:** and i will be taking advantage of that but right now it’s about the PRINCIPLE.

 **MK:** someone STOLE THEM

 **MK:** and i am going to spend every last scrap of my energy hunting them down <3

**AC:** oh haha that was me actually

**MK:** what.

**AC:** yeah i had my spiders go grab them all? i was hungry. i also had to crush some on elias’s paperwork. u know web stuff

 **AC:** ;;;;)

**MK:** annabelle.

 **MK:** i am going to

**AC:** im helping in your crusade against elias! you should be more thankful

**MK:** Thank you, Annabelle.

 **MK:** FUCK OFF IM GONNA STAB YOU WITH THE FUCKING SHARDS OF JONS MUG

**Jonny:** Hey!

**MK:** you deserve it

 **MK:** fucking flaming hot cheeto hater

 **MK:** coward

* * *

**TS** sent four photos!

[Image one is of two balloons, each shaped like a simple cartoon clown face. They both have white faces, red hair, colorful cheeks, friendly smiles, and red clown noses. One of them has a bow to denote it as the “girl clown.”

Image two is a more detailed balloon, more of an oval in shape compared to the first set, made of a much shiner balloon material. The skin is a light peach color, and it has multicolored hair, though it’s completely bald at the top of the head and is instead wearing a red and blue hat that looks vaguely like a top hat, if someone went and squished it down. It has a red clown nose like the first set, but its mouth is much wider and more detailed, showing both lips and teeth in its smile.

Image three is a display, a bunch of balloons all tied together in the shape of a standing clown. This clown has a white face with the feature drawn on in sharpie, and its body is very rectangular, with a red chest, green legs, a blue left arm, and a purple right arm. It’s standing in an aisle, and is the size of an average human man.

Image four is of one of those huge dancing noodle guys, but this one looks like a clown. It has a yellow body, a white face, red hair, and it’s smiling.]

 **TS:** whats more clownlike

**Georgie:** well to start off i think the third one is actually cursed, so it’s probably a good one to grab first.

**TS:** haha yeah i think it talked to me

**SJ:** talked?

**TS:** yeah

 **TS:** said i had nice hair

**SJ:** how sweet of it

**MK:** get the second one I hate it the most which means its perfect for a clown party

 **MK:** hey jon are you gonna be there?

**Jonny:** No <3

**MK:** ok clown <3

**MD:** geet. t the. N o od.d leee o n e :)

**Nikki:** Oh I Know That Third Bastard! He Owes Me His Fucking Lungs! Bring Him Over So I Can Get My Revenge!

**Jonny:** How does a balloon have lungs?

**Nikki:** They Are Not Inside Him, Silly! They Are In His Pockets.

**Jonny:** Where are his

 **Jonny:** Actually nevermind

 **Jonny:** I think I can figure this one out.

**Nikki:** I Think You Can Too, Jonathan!

**TS** sent two photos!

[Image one is a set of 12 classic yellow smiley face balloons, except the one in the middle actually has an entirely realistic human face instead of the two dots and a line face the rest of them have.

Image two is a set of balloons in assorted colors, with two larger ‘happy birthday!’ balloons, that are an off-white with various dots on them. However, happy birthday has been misspelled: on one balloon, Ii reads “bappy hirthday” and on the other, “habby birthdab.”]

 **TS:** y/n?

**MK:** yes

**Georgie:** habby birthbad djfkgdfg actually get that one just for me i have to start planning jon’s birthday and it’s perfect

**SJ:** why do you only find awful things

**TS:** the clown showed them to me babe!

 **TS:** he seems helpful enough

**SJ:** truly love that my life is so wild that when my bf says “yeah balloons shaped liked a clown are talking to me” i don’t even blink

 **SJ:** anyways how many balloons do you need?

**TS:** dunno danny asked for a fuck ton

 **TS:** ive got some less fun ones too but they’re in the cart.

 **TS:** also got these like

 **TS** sent a photo!

[A picture of a red shopping cart, that’s full of various bags of balloons to blow up, but on top of that are three unique things: a neon green balloon in the shape of a hot dog, a very intricately made balloon animal of a crane sitting on the moon, and a life sized blow up skeleton spider balloon.

There’s also a baby sitting in the front part of the cart. You know, where babies sit.]

 **TS:** weird oneoff ones

**SJ:** why is there a baby in your cart.

**MK:** huh didn’t think yalld be parents first

 **MK:** to be fair i didn’t think any of us would be parents anytime soon

 **MK:** but ive been to your flat and it really isn’t built for kids

**Jonny:** Oh, believe me, we’re not.

 **Jonny:** Tim? Care to explain?

**Nikki:** Is That Your Young Spawn? What The Fuck? You Never Told Me? Why Would You Never Tell Me About Your Child? I Thought We Were All Friends?

**SJ:** we don’t have a kid

 **SJ:** unless

**Jonny:** This isn’t some Eye bullshit is it?

**MB:** ok sorry i didn’t respond I was getting SINCE WHEN DID TIM HAVE A BABY??? AM I A FATHER NOW????

**Basi:** congrats

**TS:** oh that baby

**MB:** don’t you “oh that baby” me tim you nearly gave me a HEART ATTACK

**TS:** dont worry im babysitting.

**Georgie:** whose baby is it then?

**TS:** dunno

**SJ:** how do you NOT KNOW

**TS:** idk his mom just. had to go get something and now im watching him until she’s back. his name is

 **TS:** huh she never told me

 **TS:** ive been calling him tim jr

 **TS:** hes the one who found the talking clown balloon

**SJ:** i

 **SJ:** I’m going to go lie down for a moment I think

**MB:** can I join you?

**SJ:** I’ll be on the archives couch for the next hour jon meet us there

**TS:** tim jr says hi

**MK** sent a video!

[Melanie is filming the archives couch from her desk. Sasha is already lying face-down on it, and Martin and Jon quickly join her. The couch is absolutely not made for three people but none of them seem to care.

From off camera, Melanie repeats Tim’s message. Martin just groans, Jon mutters something that’s mostly absorbed by Martin’s shoulder but might be _tell Tim Jr to punch Tim in the nose,_ and Sasha throws a pillow at the camera and yells _pretend that’s hitting you Tim!!_ As Melanie ducks it, the video ends.]

**TS:** tim jr appreciates it

* * *

**Ollie:** drop your dreams in the chat im gonna analyze them

**Georgie:** I don’t dream :)

**SJ:** tim but if he was a cat and instead of working at the archives we worked in a haunted house and elias was the ghost in the mirror room

**Nikki:** I Also Do Not Dream! But Aspirationally, I Dream Of Starring In Graham’s Twitch Stream!

**MB:** jon was dead??? but he kept following me around as a ghost except he never actually looked like himself, but I knew who he was. i think sasha showed up but for some reason she was trying to sell the archives to me and jon kept saying it was a bad deal. and then tim was ALSO a ghost but he just kept showing up in different hats and then he was sad when he couldn’t kiss me or sasha because he was a ghost.

**Basi:** Classic teeth falling out dream.

 **Basi:** Do you all…not get normal dreams?

**SJ:** no💖

**GF:** streaming but nik broke my computer and i had to buy a new one. no store sold computers and i had to bring nik with me and when i finally found the computer she ate it.

 **GF:** also nik of course you can be in one of my streams.

**Nikki:** Yes! Yes! Graham Folger I Am Going To Make Your Streams So Lively! I Will Share All My Clown Opinions And Your Viewers Will Appreciate It Unlike You Fuckers!

**GF:** poggers

**Nikki:** You Have To Stop Saying That Or I’ll Eat Your Computer For Real!

**GF:**...poggers

**Nikki:** I Hate You Bastard!

**TS:** ok so i dont remember much but there was a boy and he was eating a hamburger and when he took a bite he got only bread because the burger part was just a tiny circle in the center of the hamburger. also the bread was very dry.

**MK:** a shitty cross country road trip with jon

**Jonny:** An awful cross-country roadtrip with M

 **Jonny:** wait

**MK:** NO

**Jonny:** Did. Did we end up at a gas station that only sold statements?

**MK:** fuck

 **MK:** did I take over driving and steer us into jurgen motherfucking leitners shitty tourist trap and we got out to burn it down

**Jonny:** Melanie

**MK:** jon

**Jonny:** ……

**MK:** ……i hate this

**Ollie:** OKAY! ignoring that

 **Ollie:** georgie and nik you’re both good. graham nikola will star in your twitch stream and she’s going to lose you followers at first but don’t worry bring her back on a thursday the 12th at EXACTLY 7:32 pm while wearing a green shirt and youll be fine

 **Ollie:** sasha don’t look in any mirrors for the next three hours. you wont like what you see.

 **Ollie:** basira you need to get some better dreams. that was just boring i cant get anything from that.

**Basi:** I feel like I should be offended but I’m just glad.

**Ollie:** tim. tim this is going to be hard to hear, but you know that book you lost behind your bed when you were six? the one you never found again? yeah so that’s about to come back into your life keep an eye open when you sleep

**TS:** what the FUCK

**Ollie:** martin, remember to always pack an umbrella

 **Ollie:** jon, melanie…all i can say is to watch your backs.

**MK:** you know what? fuck this.

**Jonny:** Yeah.

**MK:** i hate that i agree with you. stay out of my fucking head eye boy i see you in another dream and im going for your kneecaps

**Jonny:** Believe me, the feeling is mutual.

* * *

**oh my god they were roommates**

**jon:** …but what if i do start a band with Nikola.

**martin:** jon we are in the same bed right now

 **martin:** you do not need to text this i am so obviously up

**tim:** oh yeah? what if he wanted my input huh?

**martin:** you are literally outside the door he could yell and you could spend two seconds walking in

**tim:** sashas sleeping! do you want to wake her up?

**martin:** it doesn’t have to be a loud yell!

**tim:** our lovely girlfriend is napping on the couch and youd risk waking her up?

 **tim:** for shame martin

**martin:** a quiet yell!

**tim:** SHES ASLEEP

**sasha:** no she isn’t </3

 **sasha:** guess who forgot to put her phone on do not disturb

**martin:** …told you the yelling would work

**tim:** …

 **tim:** ok fine

 **tim:** next time we yell?

**martin:** next time we yell

**jon:** Both of you, be quiet.

**tim:** o yeah forgot you wanted to tell us something

 **tim:** go on floor’s all yours

**martin:** whoops sorry jon!

**jon:** It’s fine.

 **jon:** I’m just. Nik has this band all planned out. She knows exactly who’d she ask and she just wants me to agree first.

 **jon:** And it might. Maybe it would be fun?

**tim:** if you get famous do i get free vip tickets

 **tim:** OOH SASHA MARTIN we cause a scandal when im caught kissing jon in his dressing room but the press thinks hes dating martin and then they see him on a date with sasha and dont know who hes cheating on martin with and when jon is like ‘im poly im dating them all’ the press ignores him to milk clicks on their articles and then theres twitter discourse about us and people buy team martin tim or sasha shirts and someone else profits off it and

**sasha:** im

 **sasha:** tim are you. good??

**tim:** then it ends with someone making a fake jon account on twitter but they get verified and stir the drama until nik steps in and idk does some stranger shit and stops it.

 **tim:** yeah im good sash why?

**sasha:** that was really detailed babe

**tim:** i have a creative mind

**martin:** why do you get to cause the scandal?

 **martin:** i could cause a scandal

**tim:** bc

 **tim:** the press sees how cute you and jon are and assumes that youre dating while me n sash are just good friends

 **tim:** but little do they know…

**sasha:** wait wait wait

 **sasha:** wait.

 **sasha:** why are you kissing jon in the dressing room? why the secrecy? it's not like we’d need to be secret?

**martin:** yeah wouldn’t jon have mentioned we’re his partners way before any scandals happen

**tim:** no no thing is he CANT his agent wanted him to seem single to get more of an audience

**sasha:** who is the agent? isn't this nik’s band? why would she get an agent?

**tim:** idk

 **tim:** no wait

 **tim:** its elias

**jon:** On second thought, maybe I’ll just keep telling her no.

* * *

**🤡🕸️🤡🕸️** **CLOWN GANG IS A STUPID NAME _TIM_ bc web town is any better _martin_ WE ALL VOTED YES IT FUCKING IS we should name it c̶̼̐̐͛̐̏́͂̾̾͌̑͗̉͘l̸̛̬͍̳͚̥͉̻̲̫̣̥͐̒͛̆̋͗̌̓͊̓̔̒̑̿̉͠ͅo̴͖̩͕̯̳̻̤̭͈̗̤̎̑̇b̶͈̜͖̎̈́̾ ̴̢̛̮̼͙̲̻̥̮̦͇̦̗̟͇͔͓̃͋̈́̏̈́̓̑̿̈͋̿̽͗̚̚g̴̡̮͙̟̲̘̫̘̞̙̀̆̓̿̿͝͠͠͝ą̴̢̞̠̮̠͙̲̥̼̤̠̰̣̳̰̒̓̆̌̇̋w̵̨̡͔̘͎̟̦͂͋͊̐̏͘n̴̢͓͈͈͙̘͓̜̣̼̬̫̖̪̒͂̓͝  :^] (the next person to change the chat name is getting banned we voted and that’s it – basira)** **🤡🕸️🤡🕸️**

**SJ:** google search how to get serotonin quick

 **SJ:** or wait is it dopamine?

 **SJ:** which is the happy one

 **SJ:** melatonin?

 **SJ:** no that’s a medicine

**MB:** sasha go to sleep

**SJ:** are there two happy ones?

 **SJ:** but then what’s the sad one???

**MB:** sasha

 **MB:** your phone is so bright you’re going to wake everyone up

**SJ:** shh shhh shhhhh

 **SJ:** kiss you so softly quiet

 **SJ:** which is the happy one

**MB:** sasha its three am

**SJ:** shhhhhhhh

 **SJ:** serotonin or dopamine…

 **SJ:** i want the happy one martin

 **SJ:** is it dopamine? is serotonin the sad one?

 **SJ:** do we have melatonin.

**MB:** the

 **MB:** the sleep hormone?

**SJ:** no the medicine keep up

**MB:** i think we might have melatonin pills….?

 **MB:** do you want some?

**SJ:** crunchy

 **SJ:** WAIT MARTIN

 **SJ:** melatonin sandwich :)

**MB:** okay im just going to

 **MB:** there

**Ollie:** sometimes i wish i was a smooth rock at the bottom of a river being gently brushed against by fish

 **Ollie:** oh what are you doing up

**MB:** oliver???

**Ollie:** haha im fine

 **Ollie:** you?

**MB:** well

 **MB:** sasha is still muttering about various hormones but she is letting me try to cuddle her back to sleep

 **MB:** so i guess i've had worse three ams.

**Ollie:** ahha don’t i know it

 **Ollie:** ok im going to go stare into the fridge until the sun rises

**MB:** …you do that

 **MB:** sasha?

**SJ:** …

 **SJ:** but which one _is_ the happy hormone

**MB:** you’re an avatar of the Eye hun

 **MB:** im sure you can figure it out

 **MB:** sleep now?

**SJ:** THEY’RE BOTH THE HAPPY HORMONE?????

**MB:** sasha. sleep. it’s good for you.

**SJ:** they’re both the happy hormone…

* * *

**oh my god they were roommates**

**sasha:** tim if ur up can u get me cereal thanks love u 💖💖💖

**tim:** yeah sure

 **tim:** one sec

**sasha:** thank youuuu

**tim:**

**tim:** sasha my sweet lovely wonderful girlfriend whom i adore and whom adores me

**sasha:** t

 **sasha:** tim

**tim:** it appears i

 **tim:** maybe accidentally

 **tim:** left your milk with danny

**sasha:** TIM,,,,

**tim:** on the bright side we have monster milk?

**sasha:** ,,,,,

 **sasha:** oh why the fuck not

 **sasha:** monster milk cereal it is 💖

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is so stupid but i had such a good time writing it thanks to eyemug for writing cbggg it makes me smile so much and also got me on the jmts train. truly the best tma ship.
> 
> my favorite bit from this fic is the fucking. the fucking chat name you know the one. its so fucking stupid i literally came up with it last night and spent like ten minutes just staring at it laughing to myself in a pitch dark room. am i funny? i dont know but i sure did amuse myself so atleast ive got that going for me.


	2. did you know you can buy school buses? like you as a single person could buy a school bus? bc i didnt.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim decides that he wants to buy a school bus and he's dragging his partners down with him.

**oh my god they were roommates**

**Tim** sent a photo!

**tim:** should i buy a school bus y/y

**martin:** a fucking what

**sasha:** t…tim…

**jon:** What did I do wrong for this to be a conversation I’m having.

**tim:** everything fucker youre in this for life now

**jon:** …

**tim:** sorry that was really aggressive im just losing it a bit

 **tim:** answer the question should i buy a school bus

**sasha:** tim where are you??? I’m going to check that you’re okay

**tim:** im not <3

 **tim:** chilling in uhhhhhh

 **tim:** actually i think this is that weird place nik did renovations on? dunno i wasnt around when that happened

 **tim:** ANYWAYS SCHOOL BUS???

**martin:** tim. dear. we live in the middle of London. In a flat. we have like half a parking spot

**tim:** im not seeing a no

**martin:** DON’T BUY A SCHOOL BUS

**tim:** ok so one no one yes so sash n jon?

**jon:** No! No! Absolutely not!

**tim:** getting a lot of negativity from you guys

 **tim:** oh hey sasha good of you to join me

**sasha:** since when did we have a fucking crawlspace in the bottom left kitchen cabinet

**tim:** told you nik did it

 **tim:** if you go back far enough you pass out and wake up somewhere in the flat so uhhh maybe don’t do that

**jon:** He’s actually right; when I told Nik to stop breaking in this was her compromise. I guess it’s technically not breaking in if she comes through there? At least we don’t have to keep fixing the windows.

**martin:** yeah, our landlord kept getting on my case about that

 **martin:** fuck that guy

**sasha:** honestly

 **sasha:** “oh you can’t repaint the bedroom” THE WALLS ARE FUCKING UGLY ASS BEIGE LET US PAINT THEM ANY OTHER COLOR HOLY SHIT

**tim:** ok yes yes but school bus? if nobody else says anything im buying this thing right now

**martin:** TIM

 **martin:** we’ve moved on from the school bus because it isn’t going to happen. we don’t even have a car why would we get a school bus

**tim:** idk bc we have elias’ credit card and money isnt an issue?

**sasha:** …

 **sasha:** …

 **sasha:** …

 **sasha:** ok you’ve convinced me

**martin:** sasha!

**sasha:** what? he has a point. if we were paying for this ourselves I’d say no but elias’s credit card can afford thousands of dollars

**tim:** thanks babe 😘😘😘

**sasha:** **💖💖💖**

**martin:** we aren’t buying a school bus!!

**tim:** i dont know 50% of us say yes and if me n sash can convince jon i think thats a majority

**martin:** NO!!!

 **martin:** putting aside the money thing, again, where would we put this bus? the tiny parking spot in front of our flat? where the road is? where you cant park anything, let alone an entire bus? what, do you drive it into our living room?

**tim:** no marto we can park it at the archives

 **tim:** like an archives bus

 **tim:** duh

**sasha:** holy shit we could do archives field trips

 **sasha:** take the bus to the waterpark during work hours

**tim:** yeah invite all our friends

 **tim:** huh we could probably just rent out a waterpark

 **tim:** clob gawn vs a waterpark

**sasha:** I don’t think the park would survive

 **sasha:** …we should float this idea by the group chat

**tim:** we really should

**martin:** NO. BUYING. A. SCHOOL. BUS.

**tim:** spoilsport

**martin:** we don’t need it!!!

**sasha:** I don’t know tim’s convinced me pretty hard

 **sasha:** jon? you haven’t said anything in a while

**jon:** …Elias would hate an archives bus.

**tim:** he would wouldn’t he?

**jon:** You’re in the crawlspace?

**sasha:** yup!

**tim:** we have pillows and everything!!

**martin:** jon I swear if you go along with this fucking idea—

* * *

**allegiance of anti-mothfuckers**

**the io moth:** I’ll give you a paragraph each to convince me or I’m siding with Martin. Tim, you first.

**the rosy maple moth:** FUCK SHIT OKAY. so we could just buy a school bus right??? nothing can stop us you saw my plans n all. we park it at the archives make it a cool thing. we just. we could have a school bus babe how are you NOT freaking out about how absolutely cool this is. imagine going over to olivers for movie night in a huge yellow school bus. imagine how powerful youd feel. jon nobody and nothing can stop us. dont be afraid. help me buy this school bus

**the io moth:** Sasha?

**the emperor moth:** money isn’t an issue. nothing can stop us. it’ll piss off elias and he won’t be able to do anything, not when there’s a whole collective of powerful avatars who have a claim on it and would take him any day.

**the io moth:** Fuck.

 **the io moth:** Fuck, okay.

 **the io moth:** You’re both awful influences.

**the rosy maple moth:** and that meaaans??

**the io moth:** I’ll help you convince Martin to buy the school bus.

**the rosy maple moth:** FUCK YEAH I FUCKING LOVE YOU SO MUCH

 **the rosy maple moth:** ALL THREE OF US TOGETHER? UNSTOPPABLE WE HAVE THIS IN THE BAG

**the emperor moth:** ARCHIVES BUS

**the rosy maple moth:** ARCHIVES BUS!!!!

 **the rosy maple moth:** jon? jon cmon i know you wanna do it!!

**the io moth:** …

 **the io moth:** ARCHIVES BUS

**the rosy maple moth:** HELL FUCKING YEAH BABE

 **the rosy maple moth:** shit i love you both

 **the rosy maple moth:** ok ok ok game plan for martin

**the emperor moth:** yeah?

**the rosy maple moth:** was kinda hoping one of you had something

**the io moth:** Tim.

**the rosy maple moth:** hey! i got 75% of this group together i can slack off for martin!

**the emperor moth:** that’s

 **the emperor moth:** okay

**the rosy maple moth:** if you say my math is bad im shoving you to the end of the crawlspace and you get to wake up disoriented in like the shower or some shit

**the emperor moth:** why I’d say nothing of the sort!

 **the emperor moth:** we can try…saying we’re going to buy something else but get the bus instead?

**the io moth:** No, that’s not going to fool him.

**the rosy maple moth:** what about we let him get it out and then tell him all the fun things we can do at the waterpark together. hes a sucker for that stuff we can get him with the sentimentals

**the io moth:** Are we really going to a waterpark?

**the rosy maple moth:** i will do everything in my power to make it happen

**the io moth:** Technically, Elias would have to approve if we wanted to take time off.

**the rosy maple moth:** i do not care

**the emperor moth:** isn’t that the mood

 **the emperor moth:** oh shit I think I just had a great idea on how to convince martin

 **the emperor moth:** follow my lead

* * *

**oh my god they were roommates**

**martin:** putting aside how absolutely stupid this is. what the FUCK are we going to do with it. archives bus? oh you mean our shitty workplace where our boss actively despises all of us? you think that fuckers going to let us keep our bus there? and sorry to burst your bubble tim but the institute has barely any parking as is. that’s why we all take the subway to work! have you seen the parking lot?? That thing can fit like ten cars max

 **martin:** which means oh, look, we have to keep the bus at our flat. our flat with half a parking spot. A parking spot that isnt even in some parking garage or its own lot, but is directly in front. in the road. where people drive. You know what doesn’t fit in the road? AN ENTIRE SCHOOL BUS.

 **martin:** we have neighbors. Did you know that? the elderly lady gives me cookies, tim. you want to steal her parking spot? you want to steal the entire SIDEWALK? because that bus isn’t going to fit in the road so its going to have to take some of the sidewalk?

 **martin:** like oh, sorry maam, I guess youre just going to be stuck in your flat because my idiot partners decided to buy a fucking school us! nothing against you personally, see, they just got it in their heads! Good luck getting your groceries!

 **martin:** and!! And!! Yes we have elias’s credit card but we have to be smart about it! sure, charge the groceries on there, he won’t fucking notice, but an entire school bus? that’s a big payment and if elias notices, we’re fucked! Say goodbye to being able to splurge, we’re going to have to start budgeting! because what you all might not know is that our flat? even on our combined salaries? Is kinda expensive! that's what you get when you live in central London! And we can afford it but it’ll be a lot harder! If we lose elias’s credit card buying a fucking school bus then you better fucking break into elias’s office and manually up all our pay because I do enough for this fucking family!

**jon:** Martin?

**martin:** a fucking school bus

 **martin:** i hate you all so much

**sasha:** i see that and i hear you

 **sasha:** but consider:

 **Sasha** sent a photo!

[The image is a selfie of Sasha, Jon, and Tim all cuddling together in the crawlspace, looking very cute and also a bit like puppies who are begging for food and pretty sure their current plan is going to work. There’s a very obvious spot left for Martin.]

 **sasha:** let us get the school bus and you can join us in the crawlspace

**martin:** nope

**sasha:** but

**martin:** no. absolutely not. and before you go “oh, we’ll not cuddle you until you give in!” think long and hard about how well you can keep that up.

**tim:** damn

**martin:** we are not buying a school bus

**sasha:** well fuck there goes my only plan

**tim:** martin you know i love you right

**martin:** doesn’t change my mind on the school bus, but yes, tim, I do

**tim:** so you know how meaningful it is when i say that if you agree to let us buy this school bus i will

**tim:**

**tim:**

**tim:**

**sasha:** tim?

**jon:** He’s just staring at his phone?

**martin:** poke him

**jon:** Yeah, we tried that.

**sasha:** it’s like he’s buffering?

 **sasha:** huh

**tim:** im fine

 **tim:** i just realized i dont have a plan. so fuck it martin if you dont see how awesome this idea is i cant help you i can just say get better soon

**martin:** im trying to be sensible, tim! apparently one of us has to do it!

**jon:** Martin, what if we didn’t use Elias’s credit card to buy the school bus?

**martin:** what?

**jon:** That’s your biggest issue, isn’t it? If Elias figures out we stole his credit card, then we lose all that money. And I agree, taking out that much money at one time is probably going to make him suspicious.

**martin:** …and youre still on tim’s side?

**tim:** you mean the objectively better and cooler side

**sasha:** tim hush

**jon:** Well, look, the idea of an archives bus tempted me. I think you and me both would love to piss off Elias as much as we can. So, I have an idea. Parking the bus at the Institute—I think we can do that. Yes, the parking lot is small, but you’re not giving it enough credit, and besides, we do have those spots reserved for school trips. And I don’t think I’ve actually seen a bus ever use them.

**martin:** ok fine _maybe._ you haven’t solved the money issue yet.

**jon:** Right, I’m getting there. An archives bus would be a communal thing, for us and our friends. So…why are we the only ones paying for it?

**sasha:** oh shit jon has the brain cell

**jon:** There’s, what, 15 of us? Maybe more? Somewhere around there. If we all pitch in, plus take a smaller amount of money from Elias’s account, well, there you go. Archives bus.

**tim:** oh wow that’s a really good plan

 **tim:** since when did you have good plans?

**sasha:** oh, he gets them every once in a while

**tim:** rarely

**sasha:** every fifth blue moon

**jon:** Okay, shut up.

 **jon:** Martin?

**martin:** …

 **martin:** I can’t believe that’s a really good point

 **martin:** fuck

 **martin:** fine

 **martin:** archives bus.

**tim:** ARCHIVES BUS BABY!!!

 **tim:** FUCK YEAH

 **tim:** jon you genius get over here so i can kiss you

**sasha:** tim jon’s literally right with

 **sasha:** and there he goes

**martin:** i assume I’m welcome in the crawlspace now?

**sasha:** always are

 **sasha:** this is gonna be so fucking cool

**martin:** i mean I hate that I’m saying this but yeah probably

 **martin:** I refuse to explain to the others

**sasha:** pawning that responsibility onto jon and tim pronto

 **sasha:** kiss??

**martin:** kiss 💛

* * *

**🤡🕸️🤡🕸️** **CLOWN GANG IS A STUPID NAME _TIM_ bc web town is any better _martin_ WE ALL VOTED YES IT FUCKING IS we should name it c̶̼̐̐͛̐̏́͂̾̾͌̑͗̉͘l̸̛̬͍̳͚̥͉̻̲̫̣̥͐̒͛̆̋͗̌̓͊̓̔̒̑̿̉͠ͅo̴͖̩͕̯̳̻̤̭͈̗̤̎̑̇b̶͈̜͖̎̈́̾ ̴̢̛̮̼͙̲̻̥̮̦͇̦̗̟͇͔͓̃͋̈́̏̈́̓̑̿̈͋̿̽͗̚̚ g̴̡̮͙̟̲̘̫̘̞̙̀̆̓̿̿͝͠͠͝ą̴̢̞̠̮̠͙̲̥̼̤̠̰̣̳̰̒̓̆̌̇̋w̵̨̡͔̘͎̟̦͂͋͊̐̏͘n̴̢͓͈͈͙̘͓̜̣̼̬̫̖̪̒͂̓͝  :^] (the next person to change the chat name is getting banned we voted and that’s it – basira)** **🤡🕸️🤡🕸️**

**Nikki:** And That’s Why We Aren’t Allowed In IKEA Anymore!

**MK:** huh

**Nikki:** I Think It’s Clownphobic Of Them! But I Supposed If I Had To See Oliver Do A Split I Would Want To Remove Him From My Sight As Well.

**Ollie:** fucking try

**Nikki:** I Will!

**TS:** ARCHIVES BUS

**MK:** see i’ve never tried filming a movie in an ikea before so

**Jonny:** ARCHIVES BUS

 **Jonny:** Wait, Tim, why are you saying that? Wasn’t I supposed to say that?

**TS:** youre on convincing duty did we not just go over this

**Jonny:** To be fair, it was less ‘explaining’ and more ‘you yelling something that sounded vaguely like a plan at me while Sasha and Martin were chanting for us to kiss.’

**Georgie:** what are you doing now jonathan

**Jonny:** Tim started it!

**TS:** love when i get to watch jon be blamed for everything

 **TS:** anyways sash marto ARCHIVES BUS

**Basi:** Do I even want to know?

**MK:** experience says probably not

**MB:** archives bus

**TS:** WITH FEELING MARTIN

**MB:** no 💛

**TS:** ffs

**Georgie:** don’t you guys have your own chat for incomprehensible polychives bullshit

**Jonny:** Like you aren’t curious about the archives bus.

**Georgie:** do I look like someone who would make the dumbass decision to work at the fucking archives

**Jonny:** Oh, I don’t know, Georgie, it’s not like you fell for a multi-level marking scheme or anything.

**Georgie:** oh fuck you THAT WAS ONE TIME YOU BASTARD

**Jonny:** Still fell for it!

 **Jonny:** How many essential oils did they give you again?

**Georgie:** THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT CATS WHAT THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO THINK. THAT THE PEOPLE AT THE PET STORE ASKING ME HOW I LEASH TRAINED THE ADMIRAL WERE TRYING TO FUCKING GET ME IN ON THEIR MLM?

**Jonny:** I seem to remember that I realized what they were doing rather quickly.

**Georgie:** I’M GOING TO KILL YOU

 **Georgie:** STUPID EYE MOTHERFUCKER

 **Georgie:** THEY WERE TALKING TO ME ABOUT MY CAT

**SJ** has muted Jonny and Georgie for 15 minutes.

**SJ:** shut up

 **SJ:** me and tim and martin have something important to say

 **SJ:** well tim does me and martin are just backing him up

**TS:** ARCHIVES BUS

**Daisy:** see you’ve said that five times but it still makes no sense

**TS:** i mean its pretty self explanatory

**MK:** you think i want to waste my time figuring out what you mean?

**TS:** now youre both just being rude

**MK:** and?

**TS:** …you don’t get to sit in the back of the bus

**MK:** WHAT BUS

**MB:** fucking

 **MB:** tim got it in his head that we should buy a school bus and somehow convinced the rest of us it was a good idea, so now we’re going to pool money and buy a bus. he says archives bus but it’s for all of us even if you don’t work there. we’re keeping it at the institute to piss elias off.

**Nikki:** What A Wonderful Idea! I’m In!

**TS:** HELL YEAH NIK

 **TS:** see that partners some people just understand my genius instantaneously.

 **TS:** you know what nik? you remind me of mcdonalds

**Nikki:** Oh Because I Am A Clown? Thank You Tim Stoker I Do Appreciate A Good Clown Metaphor.

**TS:** actually i was gonna say bc im loving it but sure that works too

 **TS:** you get to paint the school bus

**Nikki:** Fuck Yes!

**SJ:** wait why does she get to paint the bus? I agreed first???

**TS:** yeah but it took you a while

 **TS:** nik got it right off

 **TS:** everyone else? martin didnt mention it but we can take archives field trips and everything with this bus

**Basi:** Why would you say field trips, now I’m having flashbacks to middle school.

**Daisy:** unfortunate

**TS:** were going to rent out a waterpark

**MB:** absolutely the fuck we are not. we can visit a waterpark but we are not renting it out buying this bus is already pushing it

**Ollie:** you know what? that sounds cool i'll pitch in

 **Ollie:** graham’s streaming but he just yelled that he’s in too

**MK:** i do like pissing off elias

 **MK:** im in but I get to help nik paint it

**Nikki:** I Would Love That! It Can Be A Joint Project As Long As We Get Some Famous Clowns On There. I Would Like This Bus To Be Stranger Marked!

**AC:** Web marked too fucker

 **AC:** i’ll send some spiders your way

**HR:** and i'll add my door :^]

**TS:** awesome thanks guys

 **TS:** think thats mostly everyone…daisy? basira?

**Daisy:** sounds dumb so yeah why not

 **Daisy:** im not driving

**SJ:** don’t worry martin and I are making tim do all that

 **SJ:** he deserves it

**Basi:** I’ll help, too. Not like I have anything better to do with my money.

**MB:** that’s a lie

**Basi:** Sadly? It’s not.

**TS:** wait FUCK isn’t gerry around here somewhere he should get in on this

**Ollie:** he’s a ghost but i think i could let him tag along if he wanted

 **Ollie:** not sure he’d be able to interact much with the water slides though

**TS:** all my dreams are coming true…

**MB:** you came up with this idea two hours ago

**TS:** ALL MY DREAMS

**Georgie:** why the fuck would you mute me during this

**SJ:** bc

**Jonny:** I’m just glad I didn’t have to explain.

**Georgie:** fuck you i could’ve watched jon explain an archives bus you took that from me

**SJ:** ok

**Georgie:** i hate you

 **Georgie:** anyways im in

**TS:** CAN I GET A HELL YEAH

**SJ:** hell yeah

**TS:** ARCHIVES BUS ARCHIVES BUS ARCHIVES BUUUUUUS!!

 **TS:** youre all great now nik get the fuck over here i want to hear all your plans for painting this thing

 **TS** sent a photo!

**TS:** well buy it in the morning everyones gonna have to contribute like 700 max

**Basi:** Wait

**TS:** what

**Basi:** School buses.

 **Basi:** That one you sent.

 **Basi:** Tim that’s in America.

**tim:** so?

**Basi:** We’re in London.

**TS:** again, so?

**Basi:** So, how are we supposed to get a bus across the ocean?

**TS:** …

**MB:** you know? I did think this was going too well

**TS:** ……

**SJ:** we have any ice cream left?

**Jonny:** On it.

**TS:** FUCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there wasn't supposed to be a second chapter to this! but literally a day after i posted chapter one i saw a school bus and thought to myself 'hey i wonder how much school buses cost?' and the answer was. was that a used school bus isn't like. super super expensive. and then i thought 'you know i bet tim would OH NO' and then i wrote 3k words of it. this might only be funny to me but i LOVE IT. i'd say this is the final chapter but honestly who knows. i bet tomorrow i'll have another idea for this. 
> 
> also im sorry the formatting for the clob gawn chatname is kinda fucked on mobile dfjgndfg i have no idea how to fix that. 
> 
> ok go read cbggg now and feel happy. thank u for reading i appreciate u all.


	3. turns out you can buy those huge bouncy houses too!! yall know where this is going.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Archives bus failed. But Tim has his eyes set on something better: a bouncy house. And again, he's dragging his partners down with him.

**oh my god they were roommates**

**tim:** so i know the bus thing didnt work but what if we bought a bouncy house

**Tim** sent a picture!

**tim:** its less expensive and i think its really cool

**martin:** this might be the stupidest thing ive ever said but tim? tim? there was more justification to buying an american school bus than a bouncy house for toddlers.

**jon:** I…think I have to agree with Martin on this one. Would this even fit in our flat? We don’t exactly have a spare room we can dedicate to a bouncy house, and I’m not giving up the living room for it.

**sasha:** damn but wouldn’t a bouncy house be fucking sweet

**sasha:** get an inflatable pool and a bunch of plastic balls to go along with it

**tim:** wow only sasha gets my great visions huh?

**tim:** you know what? sasha’s my favorite girlfriend

**sasha:** I’m your only girlfriend!

**tim:** still the favorite!

**martin:** i cannot believe we’re having this conversation again. why cant you just want something normal? like a tarantula?

**tim:** WELL NOW THAT YOU SAY IT—

**jon:** No.

**jon:** I refuse to share my house with a spider

**jon:** I’ll move out

**martin:** most tarantulas are really docile though! they’re like cats—they’ll hang out in the same room as you, but otherwise be fine to do their own thing and not acknowledge you.

**martin:** though i did have a pet spider as a kid who liked to crawl around on my hand. she was very sweet and friendly. actually, thinking about it now she might’ve been a manifestation of The Web but! still a good spider

**jon:** No. Spiders.

**tim:** blah blah moving on i bought the bouncy house

**sasha:** oh hell yeah babe!!

**jon:** Well. At least it’s not a spider.

**martin:** you WHAT

**tim:** i learned from my failed attempts to get an archives bus that i might as well ask for forgiveness, not permission

**tim:** which is to say ive been talking to nikola and she agreed to mess with the crawlspace she made to fit the bouncy house! so it doesn’t take up the flat and the crawlspace becomes bigger!

**martin:** …

**martin:** im breaking up with you.

**tim:** you love me too much to do that

**martin:** die **💛**

**tim:** haha love you too marto

**sasha:** well martin can be mad because I’m just impressed!

**sasha:** a bouncy house? figuring out where to put it beforehand? tim you mastermind! where the hell are you I’m gonna kiss you

**tim:** our room

**tim:** jons here too tho so dont

**tim:** ah

**jon:** Thanks for trying, Tim.

**martin:** can i assume the pained screen was sasha jumping right on jon's stomach by accident?

**jon:** _Yes._

**martin:** aww

**martin:** still mad

**jon:** You have to admit, having a bouncy house in the crawlspace really won’t change much. We’ll just…have a bouncy house. And I’ll have a lot more questions about how that crawlspace actually works and keep myself up late at night when The Eye refuses to give me any fucking answers as to how Nikola did it and when I ask _her_ she’ll just laugh in my face, but it’s not like I wasn’t doing that already.

**martin:** how are you so calm?

**martin:** that thing was thousands of dollars! It’s like I’m the only one here who worries about budgeting!

**jon:** I

**jon:** Oh.

**jon:** Right.

**martin:** did you forget about that part?!

**jon:** …a little.

**martin:** it’s just, i get that it’s fun and all, but…we aren’t rich. I know we joke about having elias’s credit card, how that’s going to cover everything, but that’s not going to last forever. and we do have decently-paying jobs, god knows we’re lucky for that, but the Institute is still a temple for The Eye. We, along with all our friends, hate elias, and he hates us right back. Realistically, how long do you think we’re going to hold these jobs? Because eventually we’re going to get tired of this bullshit and someone’s going to take out their eyes, or Elias is going to try to end the world…and then what? I mean, if the world ends, that one’s obvious, but…what about the mundane?

**martin:** living in London is really expensive. Even with our paychecks, we’re just able to make it through. And sure, maybe we can’t quit or be fired or anything…but what’s stopping Elias from just not paying us? That man’s an unethical fucking capitalist and if we kill him for it there’s a decent chance some of us will die. Maybe not you and me and Sasha, but like…Tim’s not aligned with any entities. What happens to him? What if one of us is hit with horrible luck and also a car? Then what? Turns out we spent all the money for hospital bills on a fucking bouncy house.

**jon:** …

**jon:** Martin, I…

**martin:** save it, jon.

**martin:** im just…going to go out, for a bit. i'll be back in an hour or two

**martin:** love you

**jon:** I love you too, Martin.

* * *

**allegiance of anti-mothfuckers**

**the io moth:** I think Martin is upset.

**the io moth:** For real, I mean. I don’t think he’s just joking.

**the rosy maple moth:** OW WHY DID YOU THROW MY PHONE AT ME

**the rosy maple moth:** i was kissing sasha >:(

**the emperor moth:** betrayed by my own boyfriends

**the emperor moth:** one of you help me off the floor

**the io moth:** You jumped on my chest, I think I’m validated.

**the io moth:** But, guys. I think…we might need to talk about the bouncy house thing. Go check the main chat.

**the rosy maple moth:** …ah

**the io moth:** See?

**the emperor moth:** fuck

**the emperor moth:** it literally never occurred to me that since we’re trapped at the institute elias could just stop paying us holy fucking shit that sucks so bad

**the emperor moth:** like he hasn’t done it yet so we’re probably fine but holy SHIT

**the rosy maple moth:** yeah that fucking sucks

**the rosy maple moth:** if he does it im just gonna say ill take one for the team when you kill him. kayak it up in heaven for a while and come back as a ghost

**the io moth:** Can we get back on topic? We can complain about Elias later.

**the emperor moth:** stupid capitalist eye motherfucker

**the emperor moth:** but yeah

**the emperor moth:** if martin’s upset about this bouncy house i want to fix things

**the io moth:** As do I.

**the emperor moth:** it’s just now hitting me he pays for his mom’s care, right?

**the io moth:** Fuck.

**the emperor moth:** now i feel like a jerk for enabling tim all those times

**the rosy maple moth:** hey!

**the rosy maple moth:** but fair tho

**the rosy maple moth:** fuck

**the emperor moth:** fuck indeed

**the rosy maple moth:** i dont get why he pays for his mom. like. i guess if it was just that id get it but…ugh. i do not like her

**the emperor moth:** you’ve never met

**the rosy maple moth:** so? from what you told me her vibes were rancid

**the rosy maple moth:** like i know im the lucky one of us to have two great moms but. ugh. martins mom. do not like her

**the io moth:** He still cares about her.

**the rosy maple moth:** yeah i know and im not gonna bring this up to him or anything cause its really not my business. like if it gets even worse maybe but for now im just really uncomfortable with it?

**the rosy maple moth:** like sash. you met her. you told me how she acts around martin. the fact that she didnt talk to him other than to insult him or ask him to leave makes me seethe

**the io moth:** …me too.

**the io moth:** At least my parents are just dead. It’s not like I can have any parental issues at this point.

**the emperor moth:** jon,,,,

**the io moth:** What? I can’t.

**the emperor moth:** I mean

**the emperor moth:** you keep telling yourself that

**the io moth:** Sasha, we are talking about Martin, right now. Not me.

**the emperor moth:** yeah yeah I’ll get you someday

**the emperor moth:** so. recap. martin's worried about money. we know he pays for his mom’s care. we also know he worked to support them as a teenager. We also know he took on all the budgeting for us and we haven’t been great about helping him with it. ideas?

**the rosy maple moth:** okay so maybe i see why it wasnt the greatest idea to get a bouncy house

**the emperor moth:** that’s a start!

**the io moth:** I think…should we help him with the budgeting? I could probably figure that out. I only _nearly_ went broke when I was in university.

**the rosy maple moth:** nearly?

**the io moth:** Look, you buy too many monster energy drinks one time and nobody lets you live it down.

**the io moth:** It was fine, my card got rejected and I bothered Georgie until she agreed to help me.

**the rosy maple moth:** did that…work?

**the io moth:** Oh absolutely not we just hung around in her dorm. Turns out Georgie was about as good at budgeting as I was, which is to say she was decent at it until she had to calculate for credit and interest rates and whatever else and then we went and did something else.

**the emperor moth:** what the fuck

**the io moth:** Look, university was an interesting time for me.

**the emperor moth:** I’ll say

**the emperor moth:** so what I’ve gathered is that martin is the best of us at budgeting

**the io moth:** We could still help him.

**the io moth:** Wait! I solved it.

**the io moth:** Tim doesn’t buy any more dumb things.

**the rosy maple moth:** hey!

**the rosy maple moth:** fair but hey!

**the rosy maple moth:** where else am i supposed to get joy in this life if its not impulsively paying 5 thousand dollars for a bouncy house?

**the emperor moth:** I mean

**the io moth:** Maybe we should run this stuff by Martin first?

**the io moth:** He wasn’t as mad about the bus after we planned it out and everything. So, do that, rather than just spring it on him out of nowhere.

**the rosy maple moth:** yeah thats fair

**the rosy maple moth:** i will run it by you guys next time! especially martin

**the rosy maple moth:** and…that should solve this then right? cant fix it this time but can fix it for the future. now we just have to wait for martin to come back so i can apologize in person

**the rosy maple moth:** should i get him a tarantula as an im sorry gift

**the rosy maple moth:** hed love that

**the io moth:** One, no. Two, did we not just discuss how impulse buying things is what’s stressing him out?

**the rosy maple moth:** why the fuck would i buy a tarantula theyre free

**the io moth:** Are you just getting a wild tarantula?

**the rosy maple moth:** yeah?

**the io moth:** From where?

**the rosy maple moth:** out…side? where they live?

**the io moth:** TARANTULAS DON’T LIVE IN LONDON.

**the rosy maple moth:** so i ask annabelle for one! jeez

**the rosy maple moth:** “paying for a tarantula” ffs jon who do you think i am

**the emperor moth:** actually I think there might be a spider living in the bathroom

**the io moth:** What.

**the emperor moth:** pretty sure that’s what I saw when I was showering the other night but it could’ve just been dust? haven’t seen it since

**the io moth:** We have to get a fucking cat so they can keep the spiders out. I can’t live in the same flat as a spider, Sasha, this is going to make me break.

**the rosy maple moth:** yeah do you want like a hug? ur shaking

**the rosy maple moth:** i was joking about the tarantula thing btw i wouldnt make you live with one lemme know if its crossing a line

**the io moth:** Don’t send any pictures and you’re fine.

**the rosy maple moth:** 👍

**the io moth:** Anyways, I refuse to go into the bathroom until one of you kills the spider.

**the emperor moth:** it’s just vibing!

**the io moth:** I have spider trauma! Stop bullying me!

**the rosy maple moth:** youre dating martin and hes Web

**the io moth:** Does Martin look like a spider? Does Martin have eight eyes and eight legs and scuttle everywhere? If Martin was a spider I wouldn’t be dating him.

**the rosy maple moth:** aww imagine spider marto id date him and kiss his lil fuzzy spider head

**the io moth:** SPIDERS AREN’T FUZZY.

**the rosy maple moth:** tarantulas are!

**the io moth:** No.

**the io moth:** Fuck this.

**The Io Moth** kicked **The Rosy Maple Moth.**

**the emperor moth:** holy shit asdklfdfg fuck tim i guess

**the emperor moth:** you good though?

**the io moth:** I’m fine joking about it so long as I don’t have to look at pictures, or interact with a real spider.

**the io moth:** Tim’s anguished screaming is also helping.

**the emperor moth:** “you can’t ban me from our triad chat that’s a crime! a crime against the laws of this polycule!”

**the emperor moth:** “don’t ignore me! jon! jonathan pogchamp sims add me back to our fucking chat right now or else I’m tattling on you to martin I don’t CARE that he’s made at me he knows the laws of this polycule and the laws say no kicking me from our chats!”

**the emperor moth:** would truly love to know why tim thinks your middle name is pogchamp

**the io moth:** Because it is?

**the emperor moth:** wait what

**the emperor moth:** is your middle name actually pogchamp WAIT IT IS WHY THE FUCK DID THE EYE CONFIRM THAT SO FAST

**the emperor moth:** LEGALLY? LEGALLY THAT’S YOUR MIDDLE NAME???

**the emperor moth:** JON STOP ARGUING WITH TIM ABOUT SPIDERS AND FUCKING ANSWER ME

**the io moth:** Someone dared me.

**the emperor moth:** DON’T LEAVE ME WITH THAT!

**the emperor moth:** WHO?? WHY DID YOU AGREE TO DO IT?? WHEN DID YOU DO IT?? YOU GOT YOUR NAME LEGALLY CHANGED WHEN YOU WERE 19 OR SOMETHING DID YOU FUCKING DO IT THEN?

**the io moth:** It was later.

**the io moth:** I think Georgie suggested it? But Oliver dared me and he was there when I did all the paperwork.

**the emperor moth:** but

**the emperor moth:** why would you do that

**the emperor moth:** and how the fuck did tim know before me im supposed to be the hacker here

**the emperor moth:** I LITERALLY HACKED INTO YOUR FUCKING EMPLOYMENT RECORDS WHEN YOU GOT HIRED. HOW DID I NEVER SEE THIS.

**the io moth:** Seems like that’s a you problem.

**the emperor moth:** I’m going fucking rabid I hate this polycule

**The Emperor Moth** added **Tim** to the conversation.

**the io moth:** Ew keep him out.

**Tim** changed his name to **the rosy maple moth.**

**the rosy maple moth:** fuck you at least bathroom spider appreciates me

**the io moth:** YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BATHROOM SPIDER.

**the rosy maple moth:** YEAH BUT THEY LOVE ME MORE THAN YOU DO THATS FOR SURE

**the emperor moth:** both of you shut the FUCK up tim how did you know jon’s middle name was pogchamp and why the fuck was I never told

**the rosy maple moth:** oh uhhh he told me i think?

**the rosy maple moth:** and im pretty sure i did tell you you were just mostly asleep

**the rosy maple moth:** me and martin had a whole conversation about it last month it got pretty deep

**the rosy maple moth:** like, why do we let ourselves have shitty lame middle names? whats the point of being named after some great grandfather you dont know? middle names should be cooler than that

**the rosy maple moth:** all of this is to say if me and jon get married im taking his middle name. tim pogchamp stoker.

**the emperor moth:** I’m

**the rosy maple moth:** you can do it too! we can be the pogchamp family

**the emperor moth:** I’m going to hang out with the fucking bathroom spider

* * *

**oh my god they were roommates**

**Martin** sent a video!

[Martin is filming from his phone’s camera, and the video starts out somewhat obscured as he’s opening the door to his flat, phone being jostled. Laughter can be heard from inside.

The door opens. The living room has been entirely taken apart to instead make a pillow fort, the couch upside down with a blanket stretching from the back of it to a single chair that has been dragged in from the kitchen. The sides are covered with more blankets, and the inside is lit up just enough to see the shadows of Sasha and Jon, who are both inside, cuddled up together and looking at something on a laptop. Jon is saying, “but bathroom spider isn’t a gentleman, Sasha, he’s an evil menace and we have to throw him outside.” Sasha is just laughing. Tim is sitting on the upside-down couch, holding an open, clear plastic cup above his head like it’s baby Simba. In the cup is a medium sized brown spider.

“Bathroom spider,” Tim says, “is my _husband,_ Jon, show him some fucking respect. We aren’t throwing him outside, we are introducing him to Martin and then relocating him so you don’t have to look at him.”

Jon makes an offended sound. The camera is slightly shaky from Martin’s quiet laughter, but he keeps it focused on his partners. Sasha, in the fort, pokes he head out the side to look at Tim and says, “you aren’t married yet because we don’t have the right music and we need more guests.”

Jon adds, “also, because he’s a spider.”

Tim says, “don’t be spiderphobic.”

Martin, finally, speaks, asking, “what are you guys doing?”

Everyone jumps. Tim falls backwards onto the floor and drops the cup. The spider scurries out but doesn’t run, just turns back around to watch Tim. Sasha and Jon flail in opposite directions, taking out the fort and getting trapped under all the blankets.

“I have a spider husband!” Tim says, delighted. “And we also found the really nice wine we were saving and left some for you! And I’m sorry I impulse bought a bouncy house and I won’t do it again but we’re still getting it because I can’t get a refund! We checked!”

Jon yells, “we aren’t keeping the spider!”

Sasha says, offended and trying to point at Martin as she struggles in the blankets, “Tim told you that Jon’s middle name was Pogchamp before he told me?”

Martin’s quiet for a moment before he bursts out laughing, the phone shaking too much to make anything out. He says, “I love you idiots,” and then the video ends.]

**martin:** dumbasses **💛💛💛**

* * *

**the og archives polycule commits archive crimes**

**tim “stepped in a box of statements” stoker:** holy fucking shit why is there a spider wearing a tiny bow tie on the nightstand

**tim “stepped in a box of statements” stoker:** and shhhh dont say anything im texting here for a reason! jons gonna freak if he has to deal with a spider first thing in the morning im not doing that to him

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** don’t be loud my head is pounding

**tim “stepped in a box of statements” stoker:** im texting????

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** text quieter

**tim “stepped in a box of statements” stoker:** i

**tim “stepped in a box of statements” stoker:** yeah sure

**tim “stepped in a box of statements” stoker:** anyways what the fuck did we do last night because I thought we released bathroom spider but apparently fucking not

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** I…huh

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** I know martin came home, and jon cried, and martin said everything was fine, he just needed to walk and clear his head, and we had that conversation about thinking through impulse purchases especially if they cost thousands of dollars, and then there was that whole thing with the broken wine glass…we opened a second bottle…it was shittier…and we were going to release the spider but jon was drunk enough that he agreed to the wedding so long as he didn’t have to speak at it. and I guess the spider stayed overnight

**tim “stepped in a box of statements” stoker:** wow i remember like half of that

**tim “stepped in a box of statements” stoker:** wait is jon wearing your skirt as pajamas? how the fuck did he manage that

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** no idea

**martin “burned 456 statements and counting” blackwood:** he cut arm holes

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** okay two questions. one why the fuck did he do that he knows I like that skirt and I know he likes it too I’ve seen him wear it to work. and two when did you wake up and why are you not cuddling me and tim this is a crime

**tim “stepped in a box of statements” stoker:** thats three questions

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** fucker

**martin “burned 456 statements and counting” blackwood:** you both agreed to cut up the skirt because you were drunk, tim was the only one to say it was a bad idea. ive been up for an hour I’ve just been trying to get back to sleep. jon is between us and i don’t want to move in case I wake him up due to the spider.

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** fuck

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** drunk me was a fucking idiot

**tim “stepped in a box of statements” stoker:** she was

**tim “stepped in a box of statements” stoker:** now which one of you put a bow tie on the spider

**martin “burned 456 statements and counting” blackwood:** that was me

**martin “burned 456 statements and counting” blackwood:** if one of you just carries him outside we should be good, he says he’ll wait around and I’ll find him somewhere nice to live in the archives if he agrees not to bother jon.

**tim “stepped in a box of statements” stoker:** …you can talk to spiders?

**martin “burned 456 statements and counting” blackwood:** yeah

**tim “stepped in a box of statements” stoker:** funky

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** alright who’s getting up

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** not it

**martin “burned 456 statements and counting” blackwood:** not it

**tim “stepped in a box of statements” stoker:** not it

**tim “stepped in a box of statements” stoker:** fuck

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** haha

**tim “stepped in a box of statements” stoker:** you’re losing a cuddle partner sash stop looking so smug or you dont get a good morning kiss

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** TIM

**tim “stepped in a box of statements” stoker:** ;)

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** NO DON’T LEAVE COME BACK

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** STOP NO DON’T KISS MARTIN KISS ME

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** TIM

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** TIM

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** TIM :(

**martin “burned 456 statements and counting” blackwood:** poor you

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** I can’t fucking believe I’m being bullied like this

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** cuddle me

**Martin “Burned 456 Statements and Counting” Blackwood** sent a picture!

[Martin, laying down in bed, gesturing to the very obvious Jon between him and Sasha.]

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** coward

**martin “burned 456 statements and counting” blackwood:** sasha what are you WAIT DONTDFGDFKBGJFV

**martin “burned 456 statements and counting” blackwood:** SDGFFDGH

**martin “burned 456 statements and counting” blackwood:** you do know that crushing my arm does not endear you to me.

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** good thing you already love me!

**martin “burned 456 statements and counting” blackwood:** do i?

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** tim already bullied me don’t you start too

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** …actually

**sasha “statement stapler” james:** how much time do you think we have before tim comes back?

**martin “burned 456 statements and counting” blackwood:** oh i hate where this is going

* * *

**oh my god they were roommates**

**Tim** sent a video!

[Tim is standing in the doorway of the bedroom, filming the inside of the room where Sasha and Martin have both gotten out of bed. Sasha is standing near the window, the curtains open. She is holding a shirt and a pair of scissors and holding the shirt up to the light as she tries to cut it. Martin is halfway in the closet, and he’s got three different shirts slung over his shoulder. Both of them are frozen, obviously caught midway into what they were doing.

“What the fuck,” says Tim.

“…we were going to cut up your shirts to make a trail of shirt fabric rose petals to commemorate you getting married to the spider,” says Sasha.

“It was her idea,” says Martin.

“Ugh,” says Jon, who pulls the blankets over his head and burrows under the covers. “Why the fuck is it so bright.”

“…why,” asks Tim.

Sasha shrugs. “You didn’t give me a good morning kiss.”]

**tim:** partners truly what the fuck

**sasha:** look

**sasha:** I’ve had like three hours of sleep max and we got drunk last night cut me some slack

**martin:** sasha promised to stop crushing my arm if I helped me

**tim:** i was gone for TEN MINUTES

**sasha:** …

**martin:** i was blackmailed?

**tim:** lets just

**tim:** if you guys make breakfast ill forget this ever happened

**sasha:** deal!

**martin:** ^^^

**tim:** and somebody close the curtains because i think were melting jon

* * *

**🤡🕸️🤡🕸️** **CLOWN GANG IS A STUPID NAME _TIM_ bc web town is any better _martin_ WE ALL VOTED YES IT FUCKING IS we should name it c̶̼̐̐͛̐̏́͂̾̾͌̑͗̉͘l̸̛̬͍̳͚̥͉̻̲̫̣̥͐̒͛̆̋͗̌̓͊̓̔̒̑̿̉͠ͅo̴͖̩͕̯̳̻̤̭͈̗̤̎̑̇b̶͈̜͖̎̈́̾ ̴̢̛̮̼͙̲̻̥̮̦͇̦̗̟͇͔͓̃͋̈́̏̈́̓̑̿̈͋̿̽͗̚̚ g̴̡̮͙̟̲̘̫̘̞̙̀̆̓̿̿͝͠͠͝ą̴̢̞̠̮̠͙̲̥̼̤̠̰̣̳̰̒̓̆̌̇̋w̵̨̡͔̘͎̟̦͂͋͊̐̏͘n̴̢͓͈͈͙̘͓̜̣̼̬̫̖̪̒͂̓͝  :^] (the next person to change the chat name is getting banned we voted and that’s it – basira)** **🤡🕸️🤡🕸️**

**TS:** party at our place tickets are ten dollars at the door we have a bouncy house

**Jonny:** Please don’t.

**TS:** first person to show up gets an extra hour in the ballpit

**Jonny:** STOP.

**MB:** i hate this

**MB:** why am i dating you. why did i move in with you.

**SJ:** oh awful

**TS:** whoever can make it the furthest in the crawlspace gets to take the ballpit home

**TS:** tenth person to show up gets a free bike pump but they have to help me blow this fucking thing up first

**MK:** explosions?

**MB:** he bought a bouncy house but not one of the giant industrial fans to blow it up with

**SJ:** we have two bike pumps! we have a fire extinguisher! we have a desk fan! and oh boy is tim trying to use them all

**MK:** lame

**TS:** HEY

**TS:** YOU ARENT ALLOWED IN THE BOUNCY HOUSE

**MK:** good

**TS:** fucker

**Georgie:** every time. every time someone has to remind you that this isn’t your personal polychives bullshit group chat

**TS:** it could be

**Georgie:** is that a threat?

**TS:** could be

**Georgie:** …moving on

**Georgie:** since when did you have a bouncy house?

**TS:** havent we always had a bouncy house in our hearts?

**Jonny:** Since about two hours ago when it was delivered.

**Ollie:** you can buy those?

**TS:** oh oliver you can buy so many of them

**TS:** they have clown themed ones…beach themed ones…fire themed ones…jungle themed ones…one that was just a massive slide with a pool…but they were all a bit out of my budget

**Nikki:** Clown Themed?

**TS:** like a circus. sort of. a lot more cursed. pretty much your whole vibe, but if it was a bouncy house

**Nikki:** Well Why Didn’t You Buy That One, Coward? Couldn’t Afford It, Bitch? The Clowns Weren’t Good Enough For You, You Utter Buffoon?

**TS:** jesus christ

**Nikki:** I’ve Had Enough Of You And Your Refusal To Buy Clown Products. I Am Coming Over.

**TS:** i bought clown balloons LAST WEEK im sorry i couldn’t afford the clown themed bouncy house it was nearly 20k

**Nikki:** Watch Out!

**MB:** this is why i said not to buy the bouncy house. this is why we didn’t need the bouncy house.

**SJ:** …damn where the fuck did nikola get all those fans from

**TS:** WHO CARES ITS BOUNCY HOUSE TIME YOURE ALL GONNA BE SO JEALOUS

**MB:** WHY IS THE CRAWLSPACE FUCKING GLOWING??

**Jonny:** Huh.

**Jonny:** I’m pretty sure that won’t kill us.

**Georgie:** kill?

**Jonny:** Lots of lights! I think the walls are moving. Don’t know where Sasha went.

**Georgie:** jon

**Jonny:** I’m sure she’s fine.

**Basi:** This is why I keep this fucking chat muted.

* * *

**SJ:** oh guys I’m fine btw! if you come over just avoid the left corner it transports you to helen’s hallways and now I have a horrible headache :)

**Georgie:** i love that our last contact with polychives was jon saying sasha went missing an hour ago and none of us bothered to follow up.

**Daisy:** like that’s the weirdest thing to happen today

**Georgie:** I mean yeah, but still.

**MK:** sasha. there's a crawlspace in your house. made by an avatar of the stranger. an avatar of the spiral has also apparently fucked around with it. and you are not trying to move out.

**SJ:** yeah

**MK:** god

**MK:** i don’t understand how three different people decided to date you

**SJ:** they’re the only ones who can keep up with me <3

**TS:** thanks babe but can you help jon and martin with the plastic balls before they drown martin wouldnt let me live it down if i just watched them die but im trying to help nik with the fans ok thanks love you

**MK:** …you really are perfect for each other.

* * *

**Tim** sent a photo!

[A picture of the completed crawlspace in the polychives flat, taken from the entrance. The dimensions of the room are such that they give anybody looking at it a headache if they question them too hard. The room is divided into two sections. One half of the room has carpet like an arcade and a huge rainbow bouncy house, the very one Tim bought, all blown up. Sasha can be seen climbing the ladder to get onto the slide in the bouncy house. Jon is stuck in one of the tunnels, and only his legs are visible. At the end of the bouncy house, where the slide ends, is a blue inflatable pool filled with colorful plastic balls. Martin is standing in the ball pit and is frowning at the camera.

On the other side of the room, differentiated from the bouncy house side by a soft gray carpet and a low dividing wall, is an area that’s mostly just pillows and blankets. There’s also a very large couch. Nikola is sitting on the couch, holding a glass of a bright blue drink. Also on the couch is Helen, who, depending on the angle the picture is seen from, is either lounging across the back of the couch with her body twisted in such a way that it would kill any normal human, or sitting beside Nikola. Helen is giving a thumbs up to the camera, and her door is visible further back on the wall beside her. The walls of the room are currently a swimming shade of green. There is no back wall, but the room fades into fog and is impossible to make out after a point.]

**Nikki:** Oh, The Clown Room Looks So Good! I Love How You Decorated!

**Tim:** you decorated it

**Nikki:** Exactly!

**MK:** clown room?

**Nikki:** I Built It, I Get To Name It.

**MK:** ok fair

**Heely:** I helped!!! :^] :^]

**TS:** wait THAT’S why the squiggles on the carpet keep moving when i take my eyes off of them?

**Heely:** yup!!

**Jonny:** Oh my god that was you I thought I was going mad.

**Heely:** who says you aren’t?

**Jonny:** Helen.

**Heely:** :^]]]

**Georgie:** jon how the fuck did you get stuck in a tunnel already

**Jonny:** THEY’RE SMALLER THAN THEY LOOK! THIS WASN’T MADE FOR ADULTS!

**TS:** because he tried to go in knee first

**Georgie:** what the fuck does that even mean

**TS:** good question

**TS:** anyways our flat is open cmon lets party! helens got some music thats probably safe to listen to, nikola brought this weird blue drink thats pretty good, we have bathroom spider right outside the door to let people in, its perfect!

**Ollie:** bathroom spider?

**TS:** my husband <3

**MB:** long story just don’t crush him. or bring him in he’s not allowed in the flat

**Ollie:** yeah alright

**Ollie:** i guess i’ll come over

**TS:** good bring all your friends

**Ollie:** we…have all the same friends

**TS:** and? bring them all along

* * *

**TS:** wait shit martin if we get kicked out of our flat we can just move into the crawlspace

**TS:** well be like ghosts for whoever moves in after us

**MB:** why would you text this while on the bouncy house slide why are you thinking about this

**SJ:** is there even room for us to live in here? it’s really just the one room

**TS:** probably if i convince nik hard enough

**Nikki:** Indeed!

**Jonny:** I don’t want to live in the clown room.

**MK:** but jon, it’s where you belong! says so in the name! get in the clown room fucker it was made for you!

**Jonny:** :(

**MK:** coward square up with me in the ballpit or we’re changing your name to clown

**Jonny:** :((((

**MB:** if we haunt our flat, I think we should be vengeful ghosts. like the kind in horror movies who try to kill and or scare out everyone who buys their house, and then we can reclaim it after ten years when it’s been left to rot because so many people were forced to leave, and now everyone knows its haunted so nobody will buy it

**MB:** then we won’t have to pay rent anymore, and i can deal with the cobwebs and bodies.

**SJ:** bodies?

**SJ:** whose fucking bodies?

**MB:** yeah

**SJ:** MARTIN

**MB:** yeah 💛

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whelp here's chapter three!! at this point i might go ahead and make it four chapters long just so in each chapter there's a reveal of one new triad chat. we've seen them all but the jon/martin/sasha chat...keep your eyes peeled for the thrilling finale of this fic where there will finally be a section in which tim cannot speak. 
> 
> im a jonathan pogchamp sims truther <3
> 
> hope you all enjoyed it! this is the only way i can contribute to the polychives tag because as much as i want to give yall like full length 100k fic, i am not deep enough in tma lore (or inspiration) to actually do a good job at that. i only have chatfic and my imagination


	4. the return of monster milk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monster milk returns, having ascended to its final form. Which member of polychives will drink it? Judging from past chapters, probably Tim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spoilers for chapter 29 of cbggg. no that sentence is not a joke.

**oh my god they were roommates**

**tim:** but what if…monster milk TWO

**sasha:** tim no

**tim:** in one hand i have regular cow milk

**tim:** and in the other?

**tim:** jons monster energy drinks

**sasha:** TIM NO

**tim:** and i will be mixing them together

**tim:** to create

**tim:**

**martin:** the fact that you sent that gif so fast means you had it prepared ahead of time and I honestly don’t know how im supposed to feel about it

**tim:** joy? love? admiration for your favorite boyfriends skills?

**martin:** idk jon got me tea this morning so

**tim:** traitor!!

**jon:** 💖

**tim:** both of you!! traitors!! betrayed by my own boyfriends…

* * *

**every time we touch i get this feeling but the feeling is supernatural powers from the fear gods that lurk at the edges of our world**

**the eye’s second favorite child:** I cannot deal with tim right now you guys I truly cannot

**the eye’s second favorite child:** I had to pass the kitchen to walk out and tim has a fucking blender. what does he even need a blender for you two. A BLENDER!

**moth snacc:** idk sasha maybe monster milk two is chunky?

**the eye’s second favorite child:** I think this is hell! I think this is what hell is. thank you for this martin I’ve decided that I am going to walk right into the river!

**moth snacc:** do you need company? if monster milk two really bothers you that much?

**the eye’s second favorite child:** no no it’s mostly a joke. I do think it’s a crime though. I’m actually just going to the store I really don’t want to watch tim make his ‘drink’

**demoted to eldritch bing:** I think you’ve made the right choice. There is…a lot happening in our kitchen right now.

**the eye’s second favorite child:** yeah tim’s texting me nonstop and I’ve simply blocked him <3 I want no part in this crime he’s about to commit.

* * *

**🤡🕸️🤡🕸️** **CLOWN GANG IS A STUPID NAME _TIM_ bc web town is any better _martin_ WE ALL VOTED YES IT FUCKING IS we should name it c̶̼̐̐͛̐̏́͂̾̾͌̑͗̉͘l̸̛̬͍̳͚̥͉̻̲̫̣̥͐̒͛̆̋͗̌̓͊̓̔̒̑̿̉͠ͅo̴͖̩͕̯̳̻̤̭͈̗̤̎̑̇b̶͈̜͖̎̈́̾ ̴̢̛̮̼͙̲̻̥̮̦͇̦̗̟͇͔͓̃͋̈́̏̈́̓̑̿̈͋̿̽͗̚̚ g̴̡̮͙̟̲̘̫̘̞̙̀̆̓̿̿͝͠͠͝ą̴̢̞̠̮̠͙̲̥̼̤̠̰̣̳̰̒̓̆̌̇̋w̵̨̡͔̘͎̟̦͂͋͊̐̏͘n̴̢͓͈͈͙̘͓̜̣̼̬̫̖̪̒͂̓͝  :^] (the next person to change the chat name is getting banned we voted and that’s it – basira)** **🤡🕸️🤡🕸️**

**TS:** can i get a real quick vote here

**MK:** about what?

**TS:** if you’d drink monster milk two say aye

**GF:** aye

**Ollie:** i don’t have anything better to do so aye

**MK:**????

**MK:** didn’t we talk about this once like literal months ago

**Daisy:** aye

**SJ:** NOBODY SAY AYE

**MB:** it’s a whole thing and now tim is making some horrible drink

**MB:** we’re trying to prove to him that hes wrong and nobody would drink it

**Heely:** i can get you some m̶̜̟̙͕̦̫̪̤̃̋̂͊̆͋͂͠i̶̢̫̪͎̖̫̞̾͋l̴̜̻̱͇̱̗͌͘͝k̵̢̛̥̖͉̣̙̪̻̙̀̈͑͆͜͝͠ ̴͇̤̪̦̩̹͚̏̈́͜m̵͇̜̥̞̏̓̽͒̇ǫ̴̢̳̟͈̫͓̜͕̋̉͘͝͝ǹ̵̺͙̤͍͎̖͕̪̌͂̾͑͆̀̈́̕s̵̹̍͒͋͋̕͝t̶̺̤̻̮͎̗̠͔͓̿ͅe̴̟̤̩͆̆r̷̞͙̓̒̇̆ :^]

**Basi:** Agony.

**MK:** wait you’re telling me this is all ur bullshit polycule drama?

**TS:** no! its important information!

**SJ:** yes

**MK:** (beating you all with a broom) OUT! OUT!! NO POLYCHIVES DRAMA IN THE GROUP CHAT!!

**MK** has muted TS, SJ, MB, and Jonny for ten hours.

**Nikki:** Oh No

**Nikki:** I Wanted To Offer Them Some Clown Flavored Monster Milk :o(

**MK:** im not even going to ask.

* * *

**oh my god they were roommates**

**tim:** guys help i cant find the ceiling

**jon:** It’s still there? Nothing happened to the ceiling. And besides, we’re not on the top floor, so if the roof did cave in we wouldn’t really see it.

**tim:** no not of the flat of the fucking. blender

**jon:** Blenders don’t have ceilings??

**martin:** tim what the fuck are you talking about.

**martin:** sasha isn’t on her phone but know shes reading over my shoulder and she just yelled ‘look up you fucking idiot!’

**tim:** the thing! the ceiling!

**tim:** its like a hat!!

**jon:** A hat???

**jon:** You’re still in the kitchen? I’m coming in.

**martin:** are you talking about a bowl…?

**martin:** I don’t think that’s anything but what you’re _saying_ isn’t anything either

**tim:** of a blender! it goes on top its a ceiling!

**jon:** DO YOU MEAN THE LID?!

**tim:** the lid! thats it

**sasha:** HOW THE FUCK IS A CEILING A LID

**sasha:** I’M ENRAGED RIGHT NOW HOW THE HELL DID YOU FORGET LID

**tim:** i don’t know it goes on top the ceiling goes on top

**tim:** im tired sash. im really tired.

**jon:** Tim, the lid is on the blender.

**jon:** The ceiling. Honestly.

**tim:** what other word is there?

**sasha:** top? cover?

**jon:** If you really didn’t know the words you could’ve just described it.

**jon:** ‘The thing that goes on the blender so the food doesn’t get everywhere.’

**sasha:** all those words and you went for fucking CEILING

**tim:** i wont apologize for this

**sasha:** fuck you

**tim:** <3

**jon:** I can’t handle this anymore. Martin, Sasha, where are you two?

**tim:** wait jon no! dont abandon me! i wanted us to taste test monster milk two together!

**jon:** _Get me out of here._

* * *

**every time we touch i get this feeling but the feeling is supernatural powers from the fear gods that lurk at the edges of our world**

**the eye’s second favorite child:** can one of you ask tim if he wants me to get him pineapple? he's sending pictures to the group chat and I don’t think I want to know what monster milk two looks like.

**demoted to eldritch bing:** It’s orange.

**the eye’s second favorite child:** hate that!

**demoted to eldritch bing:** If it makes you feel better, none of the ingredients are orange or would mix together to create orange.

**the eye’s second favorite child:** it doesn’t. it really doesn’t!

**demoted to eldritch bing:** That’s okay.

**demoted to eldritch bing:** You did steal the blanket last night.

**the eye’s second favorite child:** dlfdsflsjdkf JON

**the eye’s second favorite child:** HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW IT WAS ME

**demoted to eldritch bing:** Hmmm maybe because Martin and Tim didn’t sleep with us last night?

**the eye’s second favorite child:** maybe one of them snuck in!

**demoted to eldritch bing:** It’s almost like you were the only person in bed with me…

**the eye’s second favorite child:** lies and slander jon! lies. and. slander.

**moth snacc:** tim says he wants pineapple!

**the eye’s second favorite child:** thanks martin! is anyone near the fruit bc otherwise I can grab it

**demoted to eldritch bing:** I’ve got it.

**demoted to eldritch bing:** Actually, I’ve got it _if_ you admit you stole the blankets.

**the eye’s second favorite child:** tonight we’re sleeping in the big bed and jonathan I will prove to you it was not me whole stole those sheets

**moth snacc:** truly what did I walk into.

* * *

**🤡🕸️🤡🕸️** **CLOWN GANG IS A STUPID NAME _TIM_ bc web town is any better _martin_ WE ALL VOTED YES IT FUCKING IS we should name it c̶̼̐̐͛̐̏́͂̾̾͌̑͗̉͘l̸̛̬͍̳͚̥͉̻̲̫̣̥͐̒͛̆̋͗̌̓͊̓̔̒̑̿̉͠ͅo̴͖̩͕̯̳̻̤̭͈̗̤̎̑̇b̶͈̜͖̎̈́̾ ̴̢̛̮̼͙̲̻̥̮̦͇̦̗̟͇͔͓̃͋̈́̏̈́̓̑̿̈͋̿̽͗̚̚ g̴̡̮͙̟̲̘̫̘̞̙̀̆̓̿̿͝͠͠͝ą̴̢̞̠̮̠͙̲̥̼̤̠̰̣̳̰̒̓̆̌̇̋w̵̨̡͔̘͎̟̦͂͋͊̐̏͘n̴̢͓͈͈͙̘͓̜̣̼̬̫̖̪̒͂̓͝  :^] (the next person to change the chat name is getting banned we voted and that’s it – basira)** **🤡🕸️🤡🕸️**

**MK:** i can’t believe i'm going to get _married_

**Ollie:** good for you! why are you up at four am usually it’s just me in here

**MK:** i'm gay that’s why

**Ollie:** understandable carry on

**MK:** its just!!! im gonna be a wife!!! im gonna have a wife!! georgie is going to be my WIFE and i'll be her wife and I LOVE HER SO MUCH

**MK:** I love her so fucking much holy shit

**MK:** im going to lord this over you all forever. im going to be a wife and have a wife y’all have nothing on me.

**Daisy:** actually im married.

**MK:** you

**MK:** what

**Jonny:** WHAT???

**Jonny:** Oh shit I’m unmuted I forgot it’s been long enough

**Jonny:** BUT NO YOU’RE NOT? I’VE KNOWN YOU FOR YEARS AND YOU NEVER MENTIONED THIS?

**Nikki:** I Do Not Like That What Do You Mean You Are Married. When Did This Happen.

**Basi:** You know, I always forget we’re married.

**MK:** DAISY AND BASIRA ARE MARRIED?!?!

**SJ:** what the fuck what the fuckwhat the fuck

**Nikki:** Since When.

**Daisy:** idk years

**TS:** YEARS???

**Jonny:** Daisy I’ve known you for so long what the fucking hell do you mean years.

**Jonny:** You and Basira got together like two years ago at most what the fuck.

**Basi:** Didn’t we get a divorce? I thought we did that.

**MK:** A DIVORCE???

**MB:** jon wakes me up screaming. I check the chat. i feel like I am hallucinating what the actual fuck is going on

**Daisy:** no remember we were going to but we overslept and i said fuck it and we never did

**Basi:** Huh.

**Basi:** Now that you mention it that does sound familiar. I thought we went a week after?

**Daisy:** nah

**Daisy:** still have the paperwork and everything

**Georgie:** hi hello just woke up YOURE MARRIED?

**MK:** it has to be a lie

**MK:** it

**MB:** one of you explain what is going on if I have to deal with every single one of my partners in some state of yelling and it is fully four am

**Daisy:** we’re married what else do you want me to say. it happened years ago

**MK:** WHY

**MK:** WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS AND NEVER TELL US

**Basi:** It’s not serious or anything.

**MK:** FUCK YOU DON’T SAY THAT IT IS TO ME

**MK:** YOU’VE BEEN MARRIED THIS WHOLE TIME AND WHAT. IT MEANS NOTHING? NOTHING? ME GETTING MARRIED TO GEORGIE MEANS NOTHING TO YOU?

**Daisy:** we just did it for free cupcakes jeez

**MK:** FREE CUPCAKES!?!

**Daisy:** shop i like. free cupcakes for newlyweds. i wanted free cupcakes so i asked basira to marry me and she said sure

**MK:** MY MARRIAGE IS NOTHING MORE THAN FREE CUPCAKES TO YOU?

**Daisy:** no _my_ marriage is nothing more than free cupcakes to me. yours is probably more. like three boxes of free cupcakes. me and basira only got one.

**MK:** THREE BOXES. GEORGIE IS GOING TO BE MY WIFE AND ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY IS THREE BOXES OF FUCKING CUPCAKES

**Daisy:** i mean theyre really good cupcakes

**MK:** im fucking reporting you.

* * *

**oh my god they were roommates**

**martin:** how much do you think it’ll take for Georgie and melanie to agree to let me cater their wedding

**martin:** i have moths

**tim:** martin dear quick question. are you perhaps okay.

**martin:** its four in the morning you all woke me up yelling and I just learned that daisy and basira are apparently married what do you fucking think

**tim:** yeah thats what i thought

* * *

**🤡🕸️🤡🕸️** **CLOWN GANG IS A STUPID NAME _TIM_ bc web town is any better _martin_ WE ALL VOTED YES IT FUCKING IS we should name it c̶̼̐̐͛̐̏́͂̾̾͌̑͗̉͘l̸̛̬͍̳͚̥͉̻̲̫̣̥͐̒͛̆̋͗̌̓͊̓̔̒̑̿̉͠ͅo̴͖̩͕̯̳̻̤̭͈̗̤̎̑̇b̶͈̜͖̎̈́̾ ̴̢̛̮̼͙̲̻̥̮̦͇̦̗̟͇͔͓̃͋̈́̏̈́̓̑̿̈͋̿̽͗̚̚ g̴̡̮͙̟̲̘̫̘̞̙̀̆̓̿̿͝͠͠͝ą̴̢̞̠̮̠͙̲̥̼̤̠̰̣̳̰̒̓̆̌̇̋w̵̨̡͔̘͎̟̦͂͋͊̐̏͘n̴̢͓͈͈͙̘͓̜̣̼̬̫̖̪̒͂̓͝  :^] (the next person to change the chat name is getting banned we voted and that’s it – basira)** **🤡🕸️🤡🕸️**

**MK:** good morning

**MK:** so a lot happened last night but ive thought it over and decided that im ready to forgive daisy and basira

**Jonny:** Really? Just like that?

**MK:** jonathan fucking sims i swear

**Jonny:** It’s only been a few hours! I thought you held grudges longer than that.

**MK:** OKAY FINE IT WAS A LIE

**MK:** ARE YOU HAPPY?

**Jonny:** Yeah

**MK:** you’re literally my worst enemy

**MK:** anyways im going to have a wife and you wont haha

**Georgie:** ignoring them! if anyone has any ideas for wedding stuff do let us know. we want to have a…well, not really a bachelor’s party, but a night where all of us go out together and just have a fun time? we’re taking suggestions.

**MB:** can I interest you in some fried moths in these trying times

**Georgie:** absolutely not! taking suggestions from everyone but Martin.

**AC:** fried moths…but its like a sandwich

**Georgie:** everyone but martin and annabelle!

**TS:** monster milk two

**MK:** do I even want to know

**TS:** normal cows milk x monster energy

**TS:** cranberry juice can be added for flavor

**MK:** what the fuck do you guys get up to in your flat

**TS:** ;)

**Georgie:** taking suggestions from everyone but martin, annabelle, and tim! anyone else want to get on that list?

**Nikki:** Human Flesh!

**Georgie:** …

**Nikki:** Haha That Was A Little Joke. I Think You Should Let Me Be The One In Charge Of Music! I Have Been Making Spotify Playlists And I Think The One Titled ‘Romantic Clown Music’ Will Fit Perfectly!

**Georgie:** I’ll consider it

**Ollie:** i think you should go in jorts

**MK:** absolutely we will not. marrying the love of my life in JORTS?

**Ollie:** i mean id marry graham in jorts

**GF:** thanks babe i’d marry you in jorts too

**MK:** im more classy than that

**Ollie:** you had a tumblr callout post written about you

**MK:** LOOK. LOOK.

**MK:** SO SURE YES I DID A LOT OF BREAKING AND ENTERING FOR GHOST HUNT UK BUT I DID NOT! DID NOT! STEAL ANY FUCKING BONES! I PICKED UP _ONE_ TO SEE WHAT IT WAS AND PUT IT BACK WHEN I REALIZED!

**Ollie:** ok youtuber

**GF:** you should have a youtube themed wedding!

**SJ:** oh god

**GF:** it would not be good! but it would make me laugh

**MK:** i cannot stand a single one of you in this chat

**MK:** except Georgie <3

**Georgie:** <3

**Georgie:** anybody have a good idea?

**Daisy:** we all get together and egg elias’s office

**Daisy:** that’s the bachelors party

**MK:** yeah 💖

**Jonny:** yeah 💖

**MK:** BASTARD DON’T COPY ME

**Jonny:** IT WAS AN ACCIDENT??

**MK:** ITS MY WEDDING LEGALLY YOU CANT COPY ME

**Jonny:** OH? WANNA BET?

**MK:** YEAH I FUCKING DO. TRY

**Jonny:** OK I WILL

**Jonny:** HEY TIM

**TS:** fear.jpeg

**Jonny:** WE’RE GETTING MARRIED. I’M PROPOSING TO YOU RIGHT BEFORE GEORGIE AND MELANIE’S WEDDING STARTS

**Georgie:** jon you wouldn’t dare

**Jonny:** MARTIN. I’M PROPOSING TO YOU DURING GEORGIE AND MELANIE’S VOWS

**MK:** fucker i may not be a slaughter avatar but that wont stop me from ending your entire life

**Jonny:** SASHA. I’M PROPOSING TO YOU AT GEORGIE AND MELANIE’S FIRST DANCE

**MK:** WOW THE FUCKING HOME OF PHOBIA. BLOCKED AND REPORTED.

**TS:** im literally too scared to ask if this is serious or not

**Jonny:** I’M DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS TIM

**Jonny:** JUST TRY TO KILL ME MELANIE YOU FUCKING CAN’T

**MK:** WATCH UR BACK CAUSE IM COMING FOR YOU WITH AN AXE

**Jonny:** OH? OH? ARE YOU? DO IT THEN COWARD FUCKING _TRY_

**Nikki:** If They Get Into A Fight At The Wedding Can I Be The One To Kick Jon Out? :D

**Georgie:** fucking

**Georgie:** yeah

**Georgie:** why the hell not

* * *

**oh my god they were roommates**

**martin:** quick question. jon you aren’t actually proposing to all of us at melanie and georgies wedding are you

**jon:** Oh! No, I’m not.

**jon:** I just enjoy pissing Melanie off, but she and Georgie are my closest friends. I wouldn’t do that to them.

**martin:** mkay that’s what I thought I just wanted to be sure

**martin:** because I love you but that would be. not a good start to a marriage.

**sasha:** what a dick move too

**sasha:** like oh this is your wedding? that you presumably spent at least some time planning out? that, even if it’s not the biggest deal in the world to you, it’s still a gesture that shows you’re in love and want to do this? yeah fuck that my time now

**sasha:** like stealing the spotlight

**tim:** i stole a spotlight once

**jon:** …why?

**martin:** oh same

**tim:** idk i think danny dared me

**tim:** i was like 14 i didnt have critical thinking skills

**tim:** wait martin why did you oh same that

**sasha:** martin backstory!

**martin:** uh

**martin:** its really stupid

**tim:** stupider than doing it on a dare?

**tim:** got in trouble for it too. made it all the way home and didnt come up with a single cover story to tell my moms. so i just told them the truth and they thought it was fucking hilarious but also made me bring it back

**martin:** its

**martin** god

**martin:** I was 17 okay

**martin:** and I saw this like. help wanted ad about a local theater with a broken spotlight. And it paid money so of course I went to do it. and I had no idea how to fix a spotlight. none. But I did figure out how to unscrew the entire thing so I just said it was beyond fixing and while they were too baffled to respond I just walked out with the spotlight

**martin:** didn’t even get paid but

**sasha:** YOU JUST TOOK IT?!

**martin:** yup

**sasha:** NOBODY STOPPED YOU?

**martin:** nope

**sasha: …**

**sasha:** king behavior <3

**jon:** Did they just…let a 17-year-old with no qualifications come in to fix their spotlight? That’s on them.

**martin:** to be fair I passed decently for like, 20

**martin:** and most of the people there were pretty young as well

**martin:** i don’t think anybody knew what was going on

**tim:** did you keep it?

**martin:** oh yeah. i didn’t know what to do with it so I just. brought it home. kept in in the closet. I still had it when I lived on my own by threw it out when we all moved in together

**tim:** NOOOOO

**martin:** it _was_ actually broken! I didn’t have any cords for it, just the light itself, and that was mostly shattered!

**tim:** all my dreams…crushed…

**martin:** if it makes you feel better i did keep the mini disco ball I got from a vaguely similar job

**tim:** MARTIN I LOVE YOU

**martin: 💛**

* * *

**🤡🕸️🤡🕸️** **CLOWN GANG IS A STUPID NAME _TIM_ bc web town is any better _martin_ WE ALL VOTED YES IT FUCKING IS we should name it c̶̼̐̐͛̐̏́͂̾̾͌̑͗̉͘l̸̛̬͍̳͚̥͉̻̲̫̣̥͐̒͛̆̋͗̌̓͊̓̔̒̑̿̉͠ͅo̴͖̩͕̯̳̻̤̭͈̗̤̎̑̇b̶͈̜͖̎̈́̾ ̴̢̛̮̼͙̲̻̥̮̦͇̦̗̟͇͔͓̃͋̈́̏̈́̓̑̿̈͋̿̽͗̚̚ g̴̡̮͙̟̲̘̫̘̞̙̀̆̓̿̿͝͠͠͝ą̴̢̞̠̮̠͙̲̥̼̤̠̰̣̳̰̒̓̆̌̇̋w̵̨̡͔̘͎̟̦͂͋͊̐̏͘n̴̢͓͈͈͙̘͓̜̣̼̬̫̖̪̒͂̓͝  :^] (the next person to change the chat name is getting banned we voted and that’s it – basira)** **🤡🕸️🤡🕸️**

**TS:** horse on the STABLE! horse UNDER the stable! HORSE! IN! THE STABLE! horse ON the stable!

**TS:** horse EAT the stable! horse consume the STA! BLE! horse eat the STABLE!

**Ollie:** what the fuck

**SJ:** tim dearheart

**TS:** horse is IN THE! stable! horse UNDER! that stable! horse on that STA! BLE!

**SJ:** what in literal hell are you doing

**MB:** this is fucking incomprehensible

**TS:** HORSE! HORSE the STA! BLE! horse on! HORSE STABLE! horse under! my STABLE! horse! eating! STA! BLE!

**Ollie:** is it just me or does horse not register as a word anymore?

**Georgie:** oh its not just you

**Jonny:** Tim is singing this aloud in our flat by the way

**Jonny:** It anyone wanted to know how my hour has been.

**Daisy:** shit sims

**Daisy:** sucks for you

**Jonny:** Loving the show of support from you Daisy, truly.

**Daisy:** i try

**TS:** horse in the STABLE! horse ON! FI! RE! horse STUCK! in stable! HORSE IN! THE STABLE!

**TS:** there goes! the stable! horse in! the stable! the wreckage! of stable! horse is now! ASH.

**MB:** TIM???

**TS:** and thats it! thanks for the support everyone!

**MK:** do we get like any context or

**TS:** you know how when youre a kid and your brother is a horse girl and youre playing horses with him but youve done it so many times you know how the story goes without needing to talk so instead you both sprawl out on the rug in his bedroom chanting this for hours on end

**Basi:** No?

**TS:** huh

**TS:** whats that life like

* * *

**every time we touch i get this feeling but the feeling is supernatural powers from the fear gods that lurk at the edges of our world**

**moth snacc:** okay is it just me or does tim seem a lot more…idk restless? Then normal?

**moth snacc:** first monster milk two now singing this horse stable thing for an hour straight

**the eye’s second favorite child:** it’s not just you

**the eye’s second favorite child:** I don’t think he slept at all last night? martin, I know you left the big bed after everything but I swear to you tim never once went back to sleep after that and every time I woke up before four he was still awake

**the eye’s second favorite child:** I assumed he was having a bad night and when I asked he said he was fine but. yeah.

**demoted to eldritch bing:** Maybe it’s just boredom? It’s not often we just…do nothing for a week.

**demoted to eldritch bing:** Like sure, we don’t do anything at the archives, but that’s at least getting out. We’ve pretty much been at home for five days straight

**demoted to eldritch bing:** Well other than a few store runs, but I don’t think Tim’s been on any of those?

**moth snacc:** no he went with me when we ran out of tea but I see your point

**moth snacc:** we need to get him some enrichment

**demoted to eldritch bing:** Does the monster milk count as enrichment

**moth snacc:** hmmmmmmm

**the eye’s second favorite child:** no I think that’s like when you get a dog and don’t get enough toys so it tears up your pillows

**the eye’s second favorite child:** oh shit tim just came into the bedroom fuck this song is so much worse from here

**demoted to eldritch bing:** This is what I’ve been living with for an hour, Sasha. He was pacing in front of the couch for an hour and I was just. Sitting there.

**the eye’s second favorite child:** ok do have to admit it’s a kinda catchy though

**moth snacc:** sasha!

**the eye’s second favorite child:** like! don’t get me wrong it still sucks! but it does have a good beat

**the eye’s second favorite child:** but that’s not the point the point isbgfdjbgkdfs

**moth snacc:** sasha? You okay?

**demoted to eldritch bing:** There goes Sasha. I can’t believe our girlfriend is dead.

**moth snacc:** wait

**moth snacc:** WAIT

**demoted to eldritch bing:** Do you think Sasha left me her collection of antique fountain pens? Because my desire to chew on one of those is unparalleled.

**moth snacc:** sure sure but jon WAIT

**moth snacc:** jon the other day. you were home the entire time tim made monster milk two right

**demoted to eldritch bing:** I was, yes, but I refused to watch most of it.

**the eye’s second favorite child:** JON DON’T YOU DARE CHEW MY FOUNTAIN PENS

**the eye’s second favorite child:** I HAVE BOUGHT YOU PENS TO CHEW! YOU DON’T GET MINE!

**the eye’s second favorite child:** also sorry tim decided to literally drag me up and dance with me to hit single ‘horse stable’ and I fucking starting singing along.

**moth snacc:** like a serenade

**the eye’s second favorite child:** disgusting

**the eye’s second favorite child:** oh btw martin where are you tim wanted to see you

**moth snacc:** with jon

**moth snacc:** please don’t tell me he wants me to sing horse on the stable with him too

**the eye’s second favorite child:** <3

**moth snacc:** fuck

**moth snacc:** ok then quickly before tim drags me away does anybody know what happened to monster milk two because tim was making it when me and you left sash but it was not in the flat when we got back

**demoted to eldritch bing:** Wait he said he was going to taste test it. Are you telling me he was serious? Are you telling me he actually drank it?

**the eye’s second favorite child:** HE DRANK IT

**the eye’s second favorite child:** NO WONDER HE’S LIKE THIS IT’S FUCKING. MONSTER MILK TWO.

* * *

**oh my god they were roommates**

**sasha:** TIM

**sasha:** TIM WHERE THE FUCK

**sasha:** wait you’re in the other room

**sasha:** don’t move I’m coming to kill you

**tim:** you agreed to the dip sasha its not my fault you tripped over the blanket

**sasha:** NOT THAT

**sasha:** TIM. LOVE OF MY LIFE. YOU DRANK MONSTER MILK TWO?

**tim:** yeah

**jon:** …how did it taste?

**tim:** yeah

**jon:** That really doesn’t answer the question.

**tim:** last night when you were asleep im like 63% sure i spoke to the spiral

**martin:** helen?

**tim:** no like. the spiral. the fear god. 63% sure we vibed

**sasha:** WHY WOULD YOU DRINK MONSTER MILK TWO

**tim:** why?? wouldnt i????

**sasha:** LOOK AT THE NAME

**jon:** Would you say it’s more or less effective than coffee?

**martin:** jon you don’t drink coffee

**jon:** Exactly.

**martin:** jon i fucking make you tea

**jon:** I’m aware.

**sasha:** who cares about that the problem here is that you’d rather drink monster milk two than coffee?

**sasha:** jon in what universe does monster milk two taste better than coffee

**jon:** I don’t know! Maybe this one! It’s worth a try.

**sasha:** you’d willingly drink MONSTER MILK TWO

**jon:** You aren’t the boss of me

**sasha:** this polycule is a fucking nightmare. tim don’t you dare tell him

**tim:**

**tim:**

**tim:** so it tastes bad on its own but if you pour in the rest of the cranberry juice we have in the fridge—

**sasha:** GOD DAMN IT TIM

* * *

**tim:** [ideal monster milk](https://www.etsy.com/au/listing/938590295/enamel-pin-monster-cereal-bowl-blue?crt=1)

**sasha:** every day I suffer

**martin:** …oh

**martin:** sasha click the link

**jon:** Tim, where did you even find this?

**tim:** <3

**sasha:** stop enabling monster milk!

**jon:** No no Sasha actually click the link! It’s really good

**martin:** yeah!

**sasha:** I swear if you’re teaming up to prank me

**martin:** we aren’t!

**sasha:** ok I’m trusting you

**sasha:** …

**sasha:** okay you know what? tim you know what?

**tim:** :3?

**sasha:** you win this one

**tim:** :3!

**sasha:** <3

**tim:** okay but real talk. i know ive been uhhhhh bouncing off the walls a bit recently and maybe yes it was a bad idea to drink monster milk two but ive been thinking about a lot of things recently because our one year anniversary (okay technically of adding jon to the polycule but shhhhhhhh it’s a year since the four of us have all been together which is the bigger point) is coming up and

**martin:** oh!! it is!!

**martin:** I have it marked down in my calendar and everything I can’t believe I forgot

**jon:** It’s been nearly a year?

**jon:** It does…not feel like that long.

**jon:** I’m glad I spent this year with you all.

**martin:** aww 💛

**martin:** me too.

**sasha:** yeah

**sasha:** words are escaping me right now but. I really love all three of you.

**tim:** guys hush im trying to be sentimental here

**tim:** tho i do love and adore you all 💖💖💖

**tim:** anyways

**tim:** its just…i wanted to do something really special? but i also didnt really have any ideas for some big grand gesture and i wasnt sure if i was really vibing with that anyways and i kept thinking about how much fun i have with you guys! like, genuinely! and then i found this pin

**tim:** this pin comes in different colors. okay it actually only comes in one other color but i thought it might be kinda cute to get each of us one?

**tim:** and i know its kinda silly to get monster milk pins as an anniversary thing but…i dont know. i like silly! the best things are built on being able to laugh and be your stupid self with others. and its a small thing but those can be really meaningful too. maybe even more than the bigger ones.

**tim:** and its just…you all put up with my bad ideas and weird childhood songs and every day i wake up with at least one of you and see your beautiful sweet faces and! this is what my life is? and it stuns me sometimes and i have to step back and process that.

**tim:** because this is what a life is built on. on the way sashas face looks when shes exasperated watching me do one of my great ideas but smiles when she thinks im not looking, and sneakily kisses my cheek when i pass her. on the way martin fights me for which of us gets the left armrest when were crying over shitty romcoms even though its just the two of us on the couch and we have more than enough room. on how jon spends two hours in the store picking out fruit and explains to my why he puts back what he does, so i can rank them all the exact opposite way he does just to make him laugh.

**tim:** its stuff like this. its me singing terrible songs and you all dancing with me. its sasha failing to bake cupcakes and us eating them anyways. its jon climbing up onto counters and yelling for us to come kill the spider he saw, only for it to turn out to be dust. its martin writing a ballad to that one slightly off color patch of wall in the bathroom. its us performing it.

**tim:** this is what a relationship is made out of. all these tiny stupid moments. and monster milk is that! monster milk is stupid! monster milk is a thing that exists out of sheer force of will! it exists because we want it to. because we all keep adding to it.

**tim:** and i figured, whats a better symbol of our relationship than something that exists not because of this world, but in spite of it? something that was not born, not destined, but created and wanted and made better every day because we choose to put that effort in?

**tim:** so…yeah. thats my idea. monster milk anniversary pins.

**sasha:** tim

**sasha:** im

**martin:** 💛💛💛

**martin:** tim I think I might be crying that is the sweetest thing anyone has ever told me

**martin:** i love you I love you I love you

**sasha:** me too

**sasha:** just. yeah

**sasha:** me too.

**jon:** I don’t know how to respond to that much genuine affection but I have read it and I acknowledge it and please come back and cuddle on the couch with me I want you here now and always

**tim:** guuuuys stop now im crying too!!! 💖

**martin:** ‘because this is what a life Is built on.’ TIM. TIM.

**martin:** there are people out there who spend years and years writing to try and figure out what love is and you did it. you just did it. this is love! tim this is what love is!

**jon:** I love you

**jon:** I love you all

**sasha:** love you all

**tim:** i mean it

**tim:** every single word

**tim:** you guys built a life with me

**tim:** you guys made a home with me

**tim:** and ive said it a thousand ways and a million times and ill keep saying it again and again and again because its always true

**tim:** i love you

**tim:** i love you three _so much._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and thats a wrap! im not entirely sure how monster milk ended up becoming so important but if anyone out there decides to make it after i provided a recipe please let me know in the comments how it tastes. i have 1/3 of the ingredients but if i had them all i think i would try it. 
> 
> this is the final chapter of this fic, for real this time! i hope its obvious that this entire fic is a love letter to cbggg. i pretty much spelled it out in the end there, but! always has been. its the fic that got me into polychives and im like. real glad for that. 
> 
> thanks for reading and i hope everyone enjoyed!


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